The moment of truth (or true ad utter disbelief…)

“Honey, how many lines are there on this thing?” I yelled from the bathroom as I squinted at the home pregnancy test trying to decide if I was imagining that second line or if in fact it was really there. Minutes before, I had convinced myself to leave the bathroom sure that I was hallucinating the pale semblance of a pink, but sure enough, there it was. “Um…Two,” my husband said looking terrified and excited (don’t be fooled terror and excitement often look the same).

“That’s what I thought.”

But maybe we were both hallucinating, that’s possible right? Maybe we were drugged at dinner and are imagining little pink lines everywhere….or maybe I’m actually pregnant, (although honestly either explanation seemed plausible at the time). Three positive pregnancy tests later and even I was convinced.

Here are the thoughts that go through your head when you find out that are pregnant (or at least this is what went through mine…in no particular order):

Holy crap that was fast

I’m going to be a mommy

OMG some poor child has to have me for their mommy

I’m going to be the size of a house

Wow! There’s a little person growing inside of me (well at this stage it’s actually like a little alien amoeba, but that doesn’t seem quite as romantic)

Maybe this thing is wrong… Ugh, I feel a little nauseas….maybe it’s not wrong.

Way to go super sperm (this I actually said as I gave my husband’s crotch a thumbs up)

Why in God’s name did we move into a studio apartment?

Ouch, my boobs hurt.

Damn, no more caffeine for me (see description of the 2nd circle of hell for more on caffeine withdrawal).

Oh S#%t! I have to quit smoking


Now I know that most of you (well those of you that have not had to deal with powerful additions like caffeine and nicotine) are thinking, ‘pregnancy is supposed to be a joyous occasion where you feel connected to your body and the earth for you’re about to bring life into the world.’ Yeah, ok, great, but I still had to quit smoking.

You’re also probably thinking, ‘why didn’t you quit smoking before if you knew you were trying to get pregnant.’ Yeah, well, I didn’t think that far ahead, ok. Plus, this was a bit of a surprise. I knew that since I had stopped taking the pill I could get pregnant, but I though it would take months to actually get it to work…guess I was wrong. Bang! First shot out of the gate and I’m knocked up already.

For those of you who know (and those of you who don’t), quitting smoking feel like your bet friend died. There is a sense of loss that can’t be explained in any other way. I felt like a piece of me was missing somehow and I couldn’t fill the void (although I tried with M&M’s) that was growing inside me. Gradually it got easier, but still to this day, I envy those who can puff away uninhibited and free.

But, I am glad I quit...it gives you cancer you know.