RIP Breastfeeding

Well, it's official. The bond that LM and I share over my sweater meat is over. I am actually more sad about it than I thought I would be. I will miss the morning cuddling while she has a snack and the instant need to be with me (and my boobs) when she hurts herself.

However, I will not miss her evil little teeth.

Now before I get hate mail about weaning my baby before she was 1, let me just let you all know that none of this was my doing. First I had a plugged milk duct which my milk supply never really recovered from. But did that deter us? Of course not! Then we stopped nursing to sleep (OK that was my doing mostly to keep my sanity because you can only have someone sucking on your tit for hours on end for so long...8 months was enough). After that we were still going strong during the day, nursing at least 4 or 5 times a day. Then LM just stopped asking for it as much. And pretty soon we were down to only nursing when she would wake up in the morning (and if she had caused herself to bleed). But at least we had the mornings....

The true death of the nursing came recently when the biting became unbearable (she has been biting me ever since she got teeth at 5 months, but that was tolerable). Anytime I try to nurse her she can't make it more than 5 seconds without biting the shit out of my nipples with her 8 teeth...yeah, 8! I tell her to stop and she laughs (I am aware that she is a little evil). then the cycle just starts over again, until I give up an go make her a bottle (go ahead bite the shit out of that!).

The last two days have been nothing but biting so I am putting my foot down and ending our lovely booby relationship. I think I would have put up with it longer if she was actually even nursing when she did it, but she really just starts right in on the biting and I just don't have time (or nipple toughness) to do it if she's not even going to focus.

Guess I get to reclaim the fun bags!

Creepy must run in the family...

I have always known that I am what I call a "sensitive". Now, I am not Psychic, I do not see the future, but I am ridiculously observant and good at reading people and situations. Husband is not so good at this and therefore lucky that he is married to me or he would be beating the crazies off with a stick. Here are some examples:

1. I will generally know within 10 minutes of talking to someone whether or not we can be friends/if they are nut-jobs. That's not to say that some people don't grow on you and others can't make you think they are relatively normal for a short time when they are actually totally insane, but for the most part I am very accurate at this. and just so you know.

2. After meeting someone once or twice I can usually tell what you are likely to do in a given scenario.

3. I can very easily read relationship dynamics and tell whether people are going to last or go down in a fiery crash/break-up.

4. If it's a bad idea....I can tell you it's a bad idea.

I know what you are thinking. C'mon. Give me a break. But seriously it is true. I don't have ESP I am just really good at taking variable and analyzing them and coming up with the most likely scenario or reading body language, voice cues, and general demeanor to determine compatibility and overall personality. It's just that I do it without having to think about it. Friends and family have also noticed this and I am regularly requested to meet new boyfriends, or what I think about something or other. For example: I always know my sister's new boyfriend is going to be a loser when she will bring him over to dinner at my parents house, but when I ask to meet him she says, "Uh...no!"

Anyway, this post isn't really about me, except to say that I now have even more proof of my super-human powers ;).
There have been two instances in the last month that have both totally freaked me out and shown me that I am not alone in my creepy ability. My family is creepy too.

Evidence #1: My mother is way creepier than I am.
A few weeks ago she was visiting us in Portland. We left LM with Husband and went out for some lunch. We were mostly through with our food when my mom suddenly stopped.

"That was weird"

"What"

"I just got a feeling like LM was bleeding or hurt or something."

"Great Mom, thanks for making the rest of my lunch super relaxing."

Laughs. "Sorry, I'm sure it was just me being silly"

"Well I hope so."

We finished our lunch and drove the 5 minutes or so home where Husband and LM were waiting for us on the porch both smiling.

"See, she's fine."

We reach the stairs.

Husband: "Well, we had a little scare there while you were gone."

I give my mom one of those looks like, you are totally creeping me out and if he says that LM hurt herself and was bleeding I will run inside and lock the door and you can sleep in the Jeep with your Ouija board.

"What happened?"

"Well she was eating some blueberries and she started choking. I had to put her over my shoulder and really whack her back to get her to stop."

"Holy shit! Are you serious"

"Why? Why are you giving me that look? Were you expecting something bad to happen because she was with me? Hey just because I am not the mommy doesn't mean the baby is automatically in danger!"

"Well, that's debatable, but no that's not why I am looking at you like you just told me the baby flew off the roof. How long ago was this?"

"I don't know, 10 minutes or so."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!! See, my mom is way creepier than I am.
Later she recounts to us that this has happened to her before. Once she had a dream about a friend she hadn't talked to in about a year. He was floating outside of his body and my mom had until midnight to get him back in or he would be stuck like that forever. She thought nothing of it, but when she talked to him months later she asked,

"What were you doing last Thanksgiving?"

"I was in Arizona"

"Yeah, but what were you doing?"

"Oh, I was in the desert doing paeodi."

"Keep out of my subconscious, dammit!"

Evidence #2: LM sees dead people...I think!
So when LM a little baby she used to just stare off into space or at the wall/ceiling sometimes. I always figured that's just what babies do, but I wondered what exactly she could be looking at on the blank white wall or ceiling. My mom insisted that she was staring into the astral plane.
Yeah, ok, whatever creepy lady.

But last week something happened and no I am concerned that I have passed on the creepy gene via my offspring.
LM was sitting on my lap in the rocking chair drinking a bottle and staring at the ceiling (yeah, I know we are back to staring at the ceiling). All of a sudden she gets this little happy smirk on her face and waves....at the ceiling.

Holy balls. My baby sees dead people. And they live on her bedroom ceiling....or they are incredibly tall.

FINALLY!!

Well, we move into the new apartment on Saturday and I am soooo excited. It sucks not having your own space. The job hunt continues so if anyone lives in Portland and has a job openening, let me know.
After the move hopefully I will have more time for blogging. Things have just been so crazy lately. LM is doing well and getting bigger and smarter by the day....it's a little scary actually. She is walking like a champ now and has become ultra-aware of her surroundings and her place in it. She does the funniest shit...

Halloween is always fun, but is made more so now that there is a little one in the house. She was too adorable in her costume. Pictures to come.

Anyway, more later.

New Addition

Please welcome the newest addition to the family. Husband's sister just had a little girl. A little girl who has the unfortunate distinction of being named after a certain character from LOTR (who will hence be called frodo)....'nuf said.

And so begins the SIL drama. So you know how SIL is always on our case about not keeping in touch (we just suck at making phone calls...please don't count the number of times you have called us in a month and then report said number back to us in an attempt to guilt us into communicating with you. That just makes us realize how crazy you are.)....

Well, since SIL was well overdue she was supposed to be induced Thursday if nothing was happening with her lady bits. So Thurs AM rolls around and we have heard nothing so we call MIL who had arrived at SIL's on Tuesday. We leave messages and wait. A few hours later we get a call from MIL telling us that 8 hours earlier the baby had been born after a long labor the day before (Wednesday). So no one thought it was a good idea to call us and let us know SIL had gone into labor, let alone that the baby had been born??? WTF people. Now it is understandable that the person who has just pushed a large human being out of her hoo hoo will be a tad preoccupied and wouldn't have time to call everyone, but MIL and BIL were both there and neither of them pushed something out of their hoo hoo. I suppose this normally wouldn't bother me so much, except for the fact that if we had done that when LM was born the shit would have hit the baby fan. And for the record we not only called them all when LM was born, but kept them updated throughout the labor. So I am officially on a boycott of Husband's family right now. Not to mention that we only today received picture of the new edition....ugh!

We'll see if I get on a 6 hr plane ride with a newly 1yr old LM to see them come X-mas....I don't think so. I am a vindictive bitch sometimes...it's only one of my many charms.

Little toddling monster

LM took her first real solo steps today. This baby is nuts. Ask me whether I wanted to have a walking 10 month old......no, not so much. But I got the obnoxiously advanced baby that I got, so that's that.

Portland is very nice and I am still enjoying my time here, but to some degree I feel like I have no place, no purpose. We are staying with friends which can get difficult normally, let alone when you have an infant in their baby-less house. Also, I am still not working and one day blends into the next. It is a never ending cycle of figuring out what to do with the baby in someone else space until she takes her next nap or goes down for the night. Ugh! I need my own place and probably a job! I wanted to try and do the stay at home thing, but I don't know if I've got it in me. Even when she is being really good LM is exhausting. Maybe I will feel differently when we have moved into our new apartment. We'll see.

Anyway, need to go and clean up the mess that LM has made in my friend's living room now that she has finally gone to sleep.

Well, here we are in the rainiest place on earth....uh, aside from the rain forest.

Monday night we arrived at Portland International Airport. The flight with a 10 month old that started right around bedtime was interesting to say the least, but we made it and I managed to no become "that woman on the place with that f-ing baby".

It really is beautiful here. Saw our new neighborhood/apartment and it is great. I should never have doubted husbands apartment finding ability. Although, you can't blame me for being worried after this little gem:

Husband: So how's the neighborhood? Is it child-friendly?

Apartment Manager: I have never had a problem. It's not dangerous....but there is a bit of a meth problem.

Husband: um.....ok, thanks for you time.

Well I am off to try and find a job that does not include bringing people food for tips...wish me luck

WE HAVE AN APARTMENT PEOPLE!!!

Well, We've done it....we are no longer homeless. Granted, I have yet to see this apartment and Husband was left alone to pick out where we will reside, but I am excited nontheless. Mostly just because we won't be living in a cardboard box.

Updates to come. sorry I have MIA lately....Busy, busy , busy!

In the comfort of women

My grandmother died Tuesday night at 93 years old. And as I watched her take her last breath, I realized that being there surrounded by my mother and aunts I felt peaceful. I was of course sad that my grandmother was dead, but I was also happy for her. The last few years have been hard on her. She systematically lost her ability to walk, see, and hear while maintaining her mind (except for a few occasions). Imprisoned in a broken body. She was finally free.
In her final moments she was surrounded by the women who loved her, the women she had grown in her belly and raised to be strong. They in turn have shaped who I am as a person. In that moment, I felt no need for male energy. It would have been an intrusion into our estrogen rich space.

She had a date with my grandfather...a date she had waited for for 22 years, and finally, she would be showing up.

A whipping with the bible belt!

Ok, so first, I have recently been addicted to the Google Analytics for my page and wanted to give a shout-out to my readers from Mexico, India, Canada, Indonesia, Australia, Saudi Arabia, and our friends across the pond (UK). Thanks for reading about my ridiculous little life.

Anyway, onto the good stuff:
One thing I didn't miss about living in the Midwest (whilst living in NYC) are the occasional visits from the shepherd's flock. Now, if they were truly sent by the Lord you would think that they could pick some other time to come to my door other than when I have finally managed to get the baby down for a nap after a 45 minute battle royal.

So the other day as I sat down to check my email after finally leaving LM peacefully in her crib, I hear my parents' dogs barking. I go to the door and there is a little old man standing there. Instantly, I knew where this was heading. My parents live out in the country and there is no reason for anyone to come to their door unless they are attempting to spread the word of God.
We had a lovely conversation (that would have ended with me kicking his ass if he had woken up the baby) about all the things Jesus did (I guess he was there).

Among the very interesting things that I learned during our conversation:
Jesus cured everyone before his speech on the mount (according to medical records).

God allows all the horrible things that happen in the world because of what happened in the garden of eden (maybe it's just me, but that hardly seems fair).

There are terrible things happening all around us today, like wars (yeah, most of which are carried out in the name of religion - or some perversion of it).

We ended our little exchange with this tasty bit:

Thumper: "There are over 2,000 religions being practiced in the United States today (not sure I believe this, but ok). Which one do you suppose God approves of ?"

Me (in my head): Ummm...I'd say that depends on who you talk to, but I'm gonna guess the one that believes in Jesus).

Me (outloud): Um.................

It's good to be back!

My baby the goat: Part II

LM has greatly expanded her diet as of late. Of course she is fond of typical things like apples, turkey, nectarine, blueberries, and chicken. However, there have been a few surprises in the "I can't believe my baby ate that" category. In the last 48hrs, LM has eaten and wanted more of the following foods:
Raw red onion
black olives
cajun chicken
and.....
pebbles (which we managed to keep her from eating, but it was a close call)

Clearly she is an alien. Now it has become a little game. The "let's see what weird things we can get her to eat today" game. Ahhhh, the joys of parenting.

In other news:

I was stung by a wasp yesterday which totally sucked.

My 93 yo grandmother decided that she could no longer eat or drink because if she did she would choke and die (I tried to get her to understand that if she didn't eat or drink the the outcome would be similar...minus the choking) and is now in the hospital with dehydration.

LM went to playgroup and had a grand time. She loves other children. I have to keep her from expressing too much love. This usually end up with LM tackling the other baby to the ground in an attempt to hug and kiss them. Other parents love that. My baby the linebacker.

Anyway, Later I will write about my very interesting encounter with the dorr to door jesus peddler.

Cause you know you wanna hear all the random shit that goes on in my life....

Here's a quick update on things here in the "belly blogs" household:

1. My belly is still larger than I would like, but I have managed to lose 2 pounds so far since the move.

2. The little monster is now attempting to stand on her own which means a lot more falling down, smacking her face and then crying

3. LM is still basically sleeping through the night....although the waking up at 6am has continued to my dismay

4. I am working on my photography and shot a wedding yesterday. The pictures turned out pretty well and I am happy with the results.

5. Today I cast a set of chess pieces in plaster which turned out very nicely.....yes, I am crafty. Just call be Martha Stewart minus the fraud...and about 30 years.

6. I unfortunately have started smoking again (don't ask why, I can't tell you) but at least I can get outside away from LM. Now I just have to start doing lots of cocaine and drinking and I can really show off my superb parenting skills.

7. Husband is leaving Friday to start the long drive to OR. LM and I will be flying over and joining him on the 1st of October.

8. *Random Tangent* Why is it that as soon as you have a baby people start asking about when you will have more? Slow down people. We are still trying to keep this one from killing herself on a daily basis, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

9. *Random tangent #2* My parents' neighbors have about 5 dogs that they have in an outdoor kennel at all times and the fuckers bark incessantly. WTF shitty neighbors. Don't have dogs if they aren't allowed to come int he house.

10. LM has learned to say "Doggie" (although it comes out more like "dogga"), unfortunately now anything with 4 legs and fur is a "dogga" whether it is canine or not.

11. I still have yet to find a job in Portland....yeah, we are being real responsible about this whole moving across the country thing.

12. We are missing Supernanny and are tyring to find her yet another new job since woman we found before we left turned out to be an insane nanny Nazi who walks around her house with the baby in high heels. Who does shit like that. Apparently she didn't really want a nanny, she wanted a maid and she rarely even lets Supernanny hold the baby let alone take care of her. So if anyone knows of some nice people who are looking for a nanny let me know.

13. On Tuesday I am taking Lm to her first mommy and me play group. I am both excited and nervous about this. On the one hand I think that LM will LOVE it. She adores other children and I think has been missing all her friends from the NYC playgrounds. On the other hand, I am not that huge a fan of people in general and the thought of socially interacting with people who I might very well dislike simply because we have spawn disturbs me. I am not your typical mother. Usually I am younger than everyone else at these things and I have a much more laid back approach to parenting (read letting baby chew on batteries....please don't send me nasty emails about this, it's a joke people!) Ahhh, the sacrifices we make for our crotch fruit.

14. *Random tangent #3* Why is health insurance so damn expensive? I mean seriously folks! Who's a girl gotta sleep with to get some coverage around here?

15. My grandmother is slowly descending into madness (well I guess it's more like falling really fast). Apparently now her big problem is that her shoes won't stay one her feet. But no one else seems to see the shoes magically leaping from her feet. Although I suppose this is better than the time she thought there were little children living in the nursing home that walked through walls (My grandmother does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. She is, however, 95 and completely off her rocker).

16. I am enjoying my time so far away from the city. At times I am already nostalgic for the lights and sounds of NYC, but then there are times like these where I sit in front of the fire pit out under the stars and can type and listen to the crickets. At times like these, I know I'm not missing a thing.

Who are you and that have you done with my Little Monster?

I know it has been a long time since I last posted and I apologize.....sorry Pesce.

We arrived safely in the cheese state late on Friday. I spent a little over 24 hours away from LM and apparently while we were apart the body snatchers came and replaced her with a good baby that sleeps and everything. Now, this is a little disconcerting, but you will never hear this sleep-deprived mama complaining. Apparently the sleep gods took pity on me and switched my adorable but perpetually awake baby with one that takes consistent naps and can sleep through the night....WTF?

Ok, so I have to admit the change wasn't overnight, but it kinda felt like it. Since we got here she has been taking good long naps twice a day which in itself if AWESOME! But miracle of miracles there is more. Monday night we decided that we should start the sleep training in earnest. I must say that I was dreading it. I had full faith in LM's ability to cry us all into a mental institution. So the first night we all made a plan and vowed to stick with it.

Rule 1: We would let her cry for 5 minutes and then go comfort her for 5 minutes (Do this a
few times and then increase time interval she cries by 5 minutes but do not increase
the comfort interval.
Rule 2: We will not pick her up except in extreme freak-out situations.
Rule 3: If this goes one for 1.5 hours the mission will be abandoned for the night (I made this
rule based on the fact that I didn't think I could stand any more than that).

Night One:
So we put her down and half an hour later she was up crying. Husband went in to comfort her and she was back to sleep in less than the 5 minutes allotted....super. That wasn't so bad.

the second time she was back down after 2.5 minutes....even better.

After that she slept for 8 hours straight...wooohoooooo!

Night Two:
Because he had done so well the night before we decided to start with 10 minute crying intervals. She woke up. She cried. She fell back to sleep...sans comforting. HOLY CRAP THIS IS AWESOME!!

She did this a dew more times and every time was able to comfort herself back to sleep.

This is night 3 and so far she has been asleep for about 3.5 hours and hasn't woken up (knock on wood). Maybe she can make it all night.

So here are somethings that I think helped.
1. She is now in a dull sized crib with comfy mattress
2. She no longer lives in Manhattan with all the noise.
3. It actually gets dark here
4. Husband did all the comforting that first night. I think if I had gone in with the precious mammary glands she would have fought harder.

I really am amazed at how easy this all was. I really expected the worst. Everyone always told me how horrible the first sleep training is.....guess we got lucky.

There is only 1 downside to this whole thing. Since we moved, LM has decided that her wake-up time in 6am (about when the sun rises). this is not so great for me. I am not a morning person. This means that even though I am getting more continuous sleep I am still tired all day. One of two things will happen: 1. I will eventually come to terms with the fact that my baby is an evil spawn of the early morning devil and make my stubborn as go to sleep earlier; or 2. I will continue to suffer in a state of perpetual sleeplessness.....probably number 2, because I am stupid.

Farewell concrete jungle

Tomorrow we pack up and leave the city we have come to call home. It is a little strange, but I haven't had too much time to think about with all the packing, training my replacement, and trying to see friends and places we love before we blow this pop stand.
I have had enough cake in the last few days to send me into a sugar coma.....but I'm not complainin'.

LM has been a little better about her sleeping, but she is still waking up multiple times during the night. She has 4 teeth attempting to come in right now so we are battling that at the moment. I have mixed feeling regarding the teething biscuits. On the one hand she loves them and they seem to make her teeth feel better. On the other hand....they're probably the nastiest creation known to man. They get everywhere and they are cement-like in consistency....awesome.

Tomorrow night and most of Friday LM will have to live without me since my parents are flying back to the soggy midwest with her while Husband and I drive the 18 or so hours in the U-haul. We will stay there for a few weeks before starting out journey westward to Portland.

Although, I will no longer be a New Yorker, a piece of my heart will always be here and with the people who have made my time here special. I am proud to say that we made it here...and for the most part flourished. Even the hard times I wouldn't change.
I promise to keep the blog going even though it will be Sex, love, marriage, and kids, in the NEW city!

Wish us luck in our new adventure.

How many times can I sing three blind mice before I want to kick a puppy!?!

This week has been a tad crazy.

First: Husband's irresponsible, childless friend came to visit and crashed on our couch (which would be about 6 feet from out bed). He of course thought he and Husband were going to trapse around the city drinking and smoking pot while reminiscing.....while of course leaving me with the baby. Given that I am psychic, Husband and I had a "conversation", before he got here, about how this was not going to be the case. Of course that did not stop ICF - who has no concept of time or scheduling- from trying to get us to go out to eat 20 minutes before LM's bedtime or smoking weed in my bathroom. Good thing we are moving because otherwise there might have been a ban placed on all visitation from Husband's friends.

second: I had to report for jury duty this week. This meant two things. One: Supernanny would have to come earlier and stay later (which I hate asking her to do) and two: I could potentially lose 5 days at work which I really needed to finish things up before we make the big move. Luckily, they released me from duty due to our upcoming move out of state and that mini-crisis was averted.

Third: we are preparing for out family to come and help us move which means having 5 people staying in out little home and things needed to be tidied up before that could happen.

Fourth: LM has begun teething again and any progress made by the "best invention ever" has been completely reversed. This time though I have one added bonus. When she wakes up in the night she wants to nurse, but then proceeds to bite me over and over again. Therefore, I cannot let her nurse and must spend half the time walking around or rocking in the rocking chair...yay fun for me!! Wait I forgot, two bonuses. Now that LM has both upper and lower dentition she thinks it is awesome to scrape them together making this horrible clicking/screech noise. To me, this is like nails on a chalkboard x 1000 (I am getting goosebumps just thinking about it)....yuk. Every time she does it I just want to crawl out of my skin and hide under the bed with the dust bunnies.

Anyway, ICF left this morning and MIL is arriving sometime tonight. I would be stressed by the all the visitors, but now I will have someone else to get up with LM in the middle of the night. You won't hear me turning down free help....even if it is smoking pot in my bathroom ;)

a ray of light in the darkness that is sleep deprivation.

So yesterday we made the journey to the evil children's superstore that shall not be named and picked up this little gem that has restored my faith in the world....or maybe just in LM's ability to sleep. So far so good. I think that when she attempts to wake herself up every half hour the vibrator lulls back into a sense of security that tells her little baby brain "no need to waaaake upppp....you looooove the crib.....mommy will kill herself if you wake uppppp..." and so on. As on right now she has been asleep for an hour and a half and hasn't really stirred. I know that this is not something to get too excited about, but it's a good start. My goal is to get her to midnight before she wakes up the first time.

There's only one problem with "the best invention ever", it's set on a timer and turns itself off every 20-30 minutes. Ugh! don't they know I need it to run indefinitely? The creators thought they were very clever adding a sound activation feature. When the baby cries it starts vibrating again. That would be great except that by the time LM starts making noise like that...it's all over. If she's crying she's awake and my ass is back in the f-ing rocking chair.

It's not such a big deal when we are awake, I just carry the receiver around with me and make sure to push the on button every time it goes off, but what about when I want to sleep? What am I supposed to do then? Bastards. They put sleep so close within reach and then yank it away with their stupid battery saving features.

Strike 2

Gotta type fast before you know who (the evil sleepless baby tyrant) wakes up (for the 50th time), so forgive any typos. A pediatric nurse practitioner suggested that we give LM a low dose of melatonin (available at whole foods) before bed. For those of you not inclined to nerdy scientific knowledge melatonin is a naturally occurring chemical in the brain that regulates sleep cycles among other things. So the theory is that for children with sleep disorders the melatonin will help them regulate their sleeping better. I hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed, but alas, it seems that there is no change.

LM - 2
Sleep tactics - 0

Tomorrow we are going to the evil baby empire super store that must not be named to get a vibrator to put under her mattress. It's all very sex in the city when Samantha puts her "back massager" in the baby bouncy seat. Trust me if I still had a vibrator I would use that, but no, I couldn't muster up the energy to masturbate if I tried. So, tomorrow we go to unnecessary baby product land to buy something that I hope will help. You have to keep hope or I might never recover.

In other news....
*I only have 9 more days of work before we move and I am soooooo excited. Now if I can manage to stay awake through them I'll be golden.

*I had a donut for breakfast this morning. It was awesome!

*I lost a few pounds (.....and then I had that donut)

*The grandparents are coming soon so we can sleep a little. YAY!

Sleep Damnit....please!!!

So Operation Sleep Damnit has been almost a complete failure. We did succeed in getting LM to not nurse to sleep and it is now relatively easy to get her down at nigh. Plus Husband and I can now take turns which is AWESOME for me.
Unfortunately, after some early success, LM has decided that she will wake herself up every 45minutes - 2 hours and cry unless we pat/rock her back to sleep. I'm tellin' you this is almost more annoying then where we were at before. I can't figure out why she wakes up so fucking much....it is starting to make mommy CRAZY. I don't think I have any choice but to try the "cry it out" method once we have moved and have at least one door in our house that doesn't lead to the bathroom. I hate to do it, but I don't know what else to do. Nothing is working and I haven't slept even a half night in almost 8 months....now I know how sleep deprivation torture works. I would do just about anything right now for that baby to let me sleep.....Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!!

Beside my own sanity I know that it is not good for LM to be disturbing her sleep that much and given that she is the queen of nap refusal the girl needs all the sleep she can get. Let me give you an example just do you don't think I am exaggerating.
Yesterday super nanny informed that LM had only napped for a total of 40minutes all day. She still wouldn't nap when I got home from work and so passed out very tired around 7pm. Now you would think, exhausted, non-napping baby, no problem she is probably out for a while.....yeah, well, you'd be wrong. My unconscious baby was conscious again in about 45 minutes. After some patting back to sleep I had about another hour of peace before the next waking. This continued until about midnight. At 12 I put her down and went to bed myself. this time she actually slept until 2am and then I couldn't take it anymore and I brought her into the bed with me where she proceeded to toss and turn all night making mommy a tired, cranky, insane person!

Why sleep gods? Why are you punishing me? It's all those days I wasted sleeping until 2pm isn't it?

The evil eye

MIL's husband is from Mexico. He is a really great guy and is totally getting into this being LM's grandpa thing even though he married MIL when Husband was in his 30's. Husband does not speak to his father so MIL's husband is the closest thing LM's got to a paternal grandfather....and trust me, he is a much better candidate for that role than Husband's father. anyway, he and LM quite enjoy each other's company so hopefully either she will learn Spanish or he will learn English better by the time she is old enough to talk.

Sorry, back to the point of the story. When we went to visit SIL, MIL, BIL, and GMIL (that would be grandma in law) in July LM was not having a good week. She got sick and was teething and was altogether not always a happy-camper. So one afternoon when she was having a particularly crabby period (complete with uncontrollable whining and mommy-clinging) MIL's husband walked by muttering something about "the evil eye" and how the baby must have it. The what? I asked.

"the mal ojo," he said..."Bad vibes" MIL explained.

ok. Apparently, in Mexico it is widely thought that a cranky baby is often suffering from the evil eye. The evil eye are bad vibes transmitted to the baby from the adults around it. Parents who are angry, unhappy people, jealous admirers, etc (after a little research I found that Turkish women often keep their babies under wraps for 40 days after their birth to keep them safe from jealous eyes). He continued to explain hat in Mexico they do a little ritual with an egg and some alcohol to cure it.

"Ok," I said. "It will make her stop this whining?....Do it!" Hey I'm an open-minded kinda person and who am I to say that a folk ritual done with an egg can't make my sick/teething/cranky baby feel better.

MIL's husband agreed that he would do it and sent us off to fetch an egg, some rubbing alcohol and a glass. We did as we were told. Once he had all the ingredients, he rubbed some alcohol on the egg (still not sure what that part is for) and then rubbed the egg over LM's forehead, chest, arms, and legs making crosses and circles. Then he acted as if he was brushing something off her body and.....that was it, done. We waited to see if this magic would work. MIL's husband cracked the egg in the glass and proclaimed that the evil eye LM was suffering from wasn't that severe. I asked why and he said that in extreme cases when the egg is cracked into the glass it will be a funny color, sometimes black.

Now I don't know if I believe in magic and the like, but I swear 5 minutes later LM was happy as a clam. I don't know who put the evil eye on my baby....but I have my suspicions.

Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday!!

I've had a few pretty shitty days this week. Here's a little review because I know you are all soooo interested in why my week has sucked just a little bit of dick!

Tuesday -
3am: Baby is awake and is kicking me in her attempts to practice crawling in her sleep. I get up and decide to put her back in crib. Am worried that she will soon (or can now) jump to her death from crib. Drag crib over by bed so if she does jump out it will be on the bed. Put baby back to sleep.

5am: LM is awake again and is (as I thought) trying to escape the crib to get into bed with me. Take baby out. Put baby on tit and thank the gods when she goes back to sleep without practicing her karate.

8:30am: Get a call from Supernanny which I immediately assume is her calling to say she can't come in (and start to panic a little), but then find out she is just calling to see if she left her wallet in LM's diaper bag. Locate wallet and hang up. Get baby ready for Supernanny.

9:30: At work, computer is being very slow and mouse button is sticking. Decide to restart computer. Restart computer and realize that computer is now completely useless. Gee, thanks for not f@ckin' me big time computer. Not only will it no longer recognize any program, it also won't let me save or copy any of my filed.

10:00am: Take computer to IT department. Dumb ass 19 year old tells me that "it, uh, might be a virus." Yah think? "So, like we are probably going to have to reformat it, yeah." GREAT. So remember how I can't save or copy anything...that means I can't back-up anything. Luckily I have all the REALLY important stuff on portable hard drive. If I lost all of my dissertation work I might seriously consider jumping off the roof.

1:30pm: Bring computer back at scheduled time to have it fixed. Dumb ass 19yr old #2 tells me I need all the start-up disks. Uh, coulda told me that before shit face. "Oh, yeah I forgot to mention that," adds dumb ass #1.

1:40pm: Run up 2 flights of stairs and rummage through desk/files for start-up disks. Can't find disks. Look through department disk binder for start-up disks. Can't find compatible disk....fantasize about smashing computer into teeny tiny bits.

2:00pm: Abandon search for back-up disks since I am already going to be late for dental appointment. Rush to dental appointment.

2:35pm: Arrive to dentist only a few minutes late. Have cavity filled (this in itself could ruin a day). Find out that stupid onlay I need done for broken tooth (apparently pregnancy softens the teeth...who knew) will not be done before the big move. This means I will either have to fly back to NYC sometime in September to have it done or pay to have it done at another dentist.

5:00pm: talk to out of state dentist. Find out it will probably be $1300 to fix tooth. Great! Now I have to come back to NYC less than a month before I move and find someone to watch LM while I am at the dentist.

Wednesday -

LM is teething and it feels like she is up every 20 minutes.
6:30am: LM and I wake up due to storm. Husband leaves for work.

8:00am: Get a call from Supernanny. She is stuck in Brooklyn due to flooded trains. She will try and make it in sometime this morning.

10:00am: Supernanny is still stuck. I tell her not to worry about it. Call work, tell them I won't be in today. Spend the day with LM (This was actually a good part of the week.).

Thursday -

9:00am: Search again for back-up disks so computer can be reformatted by the league of morons. Find nothing new.

10:00am: Take computer down. Get new dumb ass who is equally as brilliant. "Uh, maybe that will work. We'll have to see, I'm just not sure." If I said shit like that in my job all the time I would be fired. "Hi, this is my specialty....but I'm not confident that i have a good grasp on any of it....."

10:10am: Leave computer and go borrow department computer to attempt to do some work.

1:00pm: must stay for department meeting.

2:00pm: Department meeting starts.

2:05pm: Department meeting ends. I swear! Coulda probably sent that in an email don't you think.

4:00pm: Retrieve computer which has been partially fixed. But still needs drivers and utilities disk. Can download that from internet, but without the internet card driver I can't connect to the internet...who thought up that genius scheme?

4:30pm come home to whiny, teething baby (my favorite). Find out that Husband is going to be stuck at work till around 6 for some office event. Great! Whiny teething baby all to myself.

6:oopm: All attempts at getting LM to take her late afternoon nap have failed. Get ready to wait her out until bed time.

6:30pm: Husband is home and while he is supposed to be watching her she falls off the bed. Wailing ensues. Husband cannot console her. Mommy to the rescue after displaying obvious annoyance at Husband's baby-watching skills.

6:40pm: LM Passes out. So this means she is going to wake up at 8 all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed or she is out for the night. Out for the night would be good, but then you run the risk of her waking up at 5am.

LM wakes up continually. Feels like I have to get her back to sleep every half-hour. I am hating tonight. Why can't the girl just sleep? Grown-ups love sleep...how can we impart this knowledge onto the babies?

Friday -
7:00am: LM is up early.

8:00am: LM is whiny. I put some oral gel on her gums. Eats an entire jar of baby food (probably because she fell asleep without eating dinner last night).

8:30am: I love a cranky, tired baby.

8:45am: LM is back to sleep. Sometimes babies can be real assholes (not hate mail on that one please....I can call my baby an asshole if I want).

Ah, a week in the life. At least it is Friday! Happy Friday!

Old people crack me up.

Old man in Rite Aid: "Oh, look how cute. What a face (those of you from NYC will recognize this as elderly New Yorker-ese). Look at that smile."

Me: Smile and be polite even though I just want to buy my toilet paper and go home....thanks LM for being so damn personable.

O.M.I.R.A: "They are so cute at this age."

Me: "Yep"

O.M.I.R.A: "Then they grow up to be such bastards!" "Trust me I know, I'm a grandfather."

Me: stunned silence.

Where for art thou menstruation?

So LM was born 7.5 months ago and I breastfed full time until about 1.5 months ago whens we started adding solids to her diet. She now eats 3 solid meals a day and has 2 bottles (that I pump) and breast feeds a few times also (yeah, I know, she eats alot...girl's got her daddy's metabolism). So I would hazard to say that what I am doing would no longer ber considered full-time in the breastfeeding department. From what I know you generally have to be feeding/pumping every few hours to keep aunt flow at bay and I definitely have not been doing that so why, after 7 months am I still without my monthly reminder of why it sucks to have a vagina?
I don't get it. And I know what you are thinking....uh, you might be pregnant again. Now I understand why that vile idea passed through your head but you can forget it right now...I don't feel pregnant, I am losing weight (although slowly...5 pounds so far)...and I took a test and it was negative. so there). Anyone a doctor. I could go and see one, but since I don't really care for doctors, I am more likely to not go and just wait around wondering when I will again be shot in the twat (that may be a new one for some of you...take it. use it. love it. I know I do...see how it rhymes?)

I'm not all that worried to tell you the truth. More perplexed.

Reduce This!: the little things

So I haven't done one of these in a while because I am very busy with getting ready to move while still trying to keep my disgustingly mobile 7month old from killing herself....ok, and I forgot.

So this time I thought I would talk about some of the little things that we do here in studio apartment-ville to try and be environmentally conscious. Some of these things I have talked about before and some I haven't.

1. We use flushable diapers
2. We buy baby food in glass jars instead of plastic (this also has the added benefit of keeping those nasty plastic chemicals out of LM's food)
3. We buy most of LM's clothes used
4. We sell our used baby stuff (cribs, swings, etc.) on Craig's list instead of throwing it in the garbage.
5. We use biodegradeable/enviro safe dish soap, shower cleaner, baby wash, toothpaste, shampoo/conditioner, and laundry detergent.
6. We take short cool showers
7. We do not get magazines or catlogues (if we can help it) delivered to the house. We try to look at that stuff online.
8. We do not wash our clothes unless they are actually dirty.
9. We are using used Fresh Direct boxes to move instead of purchasing new ones
10. I no longer use razors. Husband mostly uses electric razor (no disposable) and the razor I used before is recyclable.
11. Uh, I can't think of any more. When we get to Portland there will also be composting and vermicomposting of food scraps and compostable diapers.

Learned something disturbing this weekend. Most common brand-name "tear-free" baby shampoos are tear free because they put anasthetic in the shampoo that numbs the eye, not because their ingredients are gentle enough to go in the eye without burning...ugh! Also, Aveeno is made by Johnson & Johnson which is proctor & gamble and they test on little bunnies. We use Burt's Bees now.

Also found out Kashi is made by Kellog's....f#%&ing corporations. I don't think Kellog's tests on bunnies, but it is possible that the cereal has bunnies in it.....

Scarred for life: the rubber ducky chronicles.

Last night Husband was giving LM her bath and all was well as she played with her rubber ducky. Eventually the rubber ducky (which she had been chewing on) floated close enough to Huband's head that he pretended try and grab it with his mouth which amused LM to no end. Wanting to entertain LM further Husband sucked the ducky's head into his mouth and pretended to eat it. Never before have I heard a baby scream out of sheer terror. Frustration - yes, pain - yes, but true horror....no.

LM let out the most ear piercing, blood-curdling scream I have ever heard and then proceeded to cry uncontrollably. Snatched her out of the bath trying to console her while laughing. Husband looking confused proceeded to almost piss himself laughing and LM just kept going back and forth between hugging my neck and looking back to see the carnage that was her deceased rubber ducky.

Later after she was dried off and we had stopped peeing our pants, we were trying to figure out the psychology behind LM's reaction. The only way to figure this out, we decided, was to recreate the scenario outside of the bath. So, because we are awesome parents, Husband set off to the bathroom for the ducky so that we could attempt to traumatize our infant yet again.

And what do you know.....it worked. We felt a little bad about it later, but not bad enough to wish we had gotten it on tape. Would be just horrible people if we did it again in order to record it? Probably. Will that stop us? Probably not.

Jog on!

Sorry folks, I will not be posting anything clever or interesting tonight. I have had a long 3 days of teaching and I am curling up in bed with Husband and my cookies and cream milkshake with chocolate syrup and oreo sprinkles from Baskin Robin's.
So as not to disappoint, here's a list of topics in posts to come:

Hot student
The evil eye
Moving hell
Movie reviews

Stay tuned...and try not to be too jealous of my milk shake.

Holy Brain Development Batman!!!

Over the last 4 days or so Little Monster decided to become the smartest baby in the world....just kidding, but she did suddenly start doing about 20 new things.

1. She sits up on her own
2. She has that crawling thing down
3. She gives high-fives
4. She waves hello and goodbye
5. She said "hi kitty" to Naughty Little Kitty (I did not make this up even if Husband doesn't
believe me)
6. While she was dealing with that crawling thing she decided to go ahead and start pulling herself into a standing position and standing with support.
7. Also, we got her a walker and she totally cruises in that sucker. I'm telling you, we may have created a big monster.

The best part about LM's new found mobility is that it makes my job oh so much more fun.

"Oh look how cute she is walking in the walker"
"Oh look she can reach the desk now..."
"Oh look she is tugging on the cord to the monitor that could fall over and crush her-
skull....isn't that sweet?!"

"She's walking to me......she's so cute....she's...STICKING HER FINGERS IN THE FAN!"

This parenting thing just got much more troublesome. That baby has a death wish.

I keep trying to remember what we fed her last week to prompt this amazing turn of events.....gotta remember not to give her anymore of that!

Dear Little Monster....

Dear Little Monster,

There are a few things that I wanted to discuss with you, but since you don't necessarily understand what I'm saying I thought I would write it down and make you read it when you are older to see how you have tormented me.

1. Please refrain from trying to crawl while nursing. This is quite uncomfortable for me and nipple aren't supposed to stretch that far. Also, diaper changing is a bad time to practice this.

2. Question. Do you have to make those weird grunts every time I feed you solids? Just wondering.

3. Please for the love of God could you sleep for more than 2 hours at a time (actually at this point I would take for more than an hour). You probably don't know this, but mommy is slowing going completely insane due to lack of sleep and frustration over not knowing what to do to convince you that sleep is....awesome. Seriously, I am really starting to lose it!

4. I know you want to play with Naughty Little Kitty, but I am sick of finding clumps of his hair in your fists....plus I think he's on to you. The fear of you has started to win against his pathetic need to be near me and he has started running away from you.

5. I know that you are really excited to walk, but maybe we should work on making this crawling thing happen first....what do you think?

6. When I am trying to get you to sleep why can I not sit down. I mean really, I don't see the difference. Either way you are draped over my shoulder and I am moving so do we have to stay in the position that is giving mommy scoliosis?

7. Why is your poo a different color ever day? And while we are on the topic, could you not stick your fingers in it when I am trying to change your diaper...thanks.

8. Could you let daddy know that when you are crying in the middle of the night and I say "it's your turn" and hit him, that doesn't mean "Please pick the baby up and put her in bed with me".

9. Just for good measure, please see #3 again.

Blah!

LM was up half of the night with a fever. I am exhausted. LM is finally sleeping and Husband and I are going to watch "The Number 23". Sorry I am not more entertaining tonight.

Yesterday was check-up with pediatrician. LM got shots again (hence the fever - fuckers!) and she weighs 16lbs 14oz and is 27inches long. Of course the pediatrician had to look at the averages chart to check her percentiles for weight and length to be able to state the obvious - "She's tall and thin"....Uh , yeah like her father, you could have just looked at her to figure that one out.

Doctors....

They want me to bring her back at 9 months (although we won't be in the state anymore so that's not gonna happen) to do some blood work - apparently they check for anemia. Why would LM be anemic. Does she exhibit anemic symptoms....no, then why should I come back and pay you money so you can stick her with more needles and then charge me for the lab costs just so you can tell me she isn't anemic....gee thanks for not fucking me big time there Doc. I was hoping to shell out a bunch a money so you can tell me there's nothing wrong with my kid. Oh and when I want a copy of the chart please charge me $25 and tell me it will take a week....awesome! Must be on some damn fine paper to cost $25 and you must send it out special just for me to make it take a week to photocopy something....ugh!


Sorry, I am cranky today!

Pimpin'

Ok, so my friend runs a theater company here in NYC and they are starting a new show in about a week. Therefore I am trying to help him promote the show (although he doesn't know it) and I hope that if you live in NYC you will check it out. You can get information and buy tickets here....who knows, you might see me there...if you can figure out which one I am.

Little Bath Monster

It's always hard to tell what your children will like. For instance. LM LOVES the bath/shower, but HATES the baby bath that we bought before she was born...you know, to give her a bath in. When she takes a bath with us she is happy as a clam, splashing and playing with her toys and she will even put her face under the water. But the few times that we have tried to put her in the baby bath she acts like we are trying to kill her. So we are selling the stupid baby bath which we have basically never used (and is quite cute) on craigslist. So if you live in NYC and want a baby bath let me know.

In other news I am sick of being fat and have decided that there is no more Nutella allowed in the house even though I really really like it.

Sex-dar

Twice this weekend husband and I have tried to have sex only to be interrupted by LM waking from a deep sleep to kill all sexual desires. How does she know??? It's like she has sex-dar or something.

Update on Operation Sleep Dammit: 1. Implementation of an 8:30 bedtime has been successful.
2. LM will now allow Husband to put her to bed which is a great relief for me because it allows us to take turns instead of being the only person who can deal with the baby.
3. Unfortunately our attempt to make LM sleep through the night are still struggling. She wakes up every 2 hours like clockwork and while we can get her back to sleep without eating I am starting to wonder if it is worth it. Was I getting more sleep when we were co-sleeping? Wasn't the whole point of this to make a better sleeping environment for myself? Ugh!!

My mother is coming on Friday and hopefully she can help us with the evil sleep demon. LM is also becoming less enamored with her stroller (which she used to love) and therefore we end up carrying her in the sling a lot more. Also, she has become more whiny and.....a, uh, what's the word for it....oh yeah, she's a pain in the ass. Good thing she is cute otherwise I would return her (that and we lost the receipt). Her new favorite toys are empty plastic water bottles and crumpled up pieces of paper. Why do we spend money on toys again?

Sometime I wonder why people have children and then LM does something f-ing adorable and I remember. Although the sex-dar thing has got to stop. If she is going to wake me up every 2 hours the least she could do is let me get laid ever now and then.

My response...

Below is my response to this article:

"My mother once told me that as a mother she could not be pro-choice...I didn't understand that at the time and after having my daughter I still don't. I am continue to be pro-choice and as a mother I think it is even more important that this right remains intact. Motherhood is life-altering and should not be forced onto women who are not willing/able to take it on. But more importantly I think about the children. I think about the thousands of unwanted babies that would be born and then neglected, resented, abandoned, or abused and I find a type of mercy in allowing to go peacefully from this earth without knowing those evils."

The JumperPOO

So in case you were not aware one of the fun parts about being a mom is that you child can routinely make you feel like a horrible parent even when you have no real control over a situation. Example:

This morning I put LM in her jumperoo while I went to get her stuff ready for Supernanny. I returned a few minutes later and saw that she was still jumping contentedly in the roo with naughty little kitty standing watch next to her. I had not yet put on my glasses so at first I didn't notice, but as I was smiling at LM I noticed that NLK was staring at something under her feet.

Holy Crap LM!!!! You're jumping in.....crap!

That's right folk, LM had pooped so much that it had come out of her diaper (through the leg holes) and covered the floor under her feet. Not only was there shit on the floor, but LM was still jumping and spreading the poo around with her feet.....ugh! I run and turn on the shower. get naked. Grab LM out of the jumperPOO and jump into the shower. On the way poo falls on my foot and gets on my legs and I am just having a super morning! I wash her off trying to make sure there is no poop left between her toes (since she loves to put them in her mouth). I finally get her clean and re-dressed (this is not as easy as it sounds given that I only have two hands I have to dry myself off as well) and into her bouncy chair to hang out while mommy cleans your feces up off the floor.....yup, motherhood is soooo much fun.

I am an awesome mom!!! Maybe next time we can finger-paint with it.

If husband had a parasite this big he'd be in the hospital!

Today LM is 7 months old. It's amazing how they grow so fast and you don't even notice (except the crippling back arthritis that has set in) until you look back at old pictures.

Anyway, We have been working on LM's sleeping lately (As in she doesn't and I would like her to) and it is wearing me out man! We were co-sleeping and it was fine except I wasn't sleeping much (which was the point of the co-sleeping). LM was still waking up 3-4 times per night to eat, etc. So I decided something had to be done. The wee one has too much control of this situation and I have to take back the night as it were.

We aren't doing the cry-it-out thing for 2 reasons: 1. I don't know that agree with allowing children to cry like that (but if it works for you go for it-not going to start a sleep-training war here) and 2. We live in a 550ft. studio so we can't just shut the door and walk away pretending we don't hear her....she's like 8 feet from us. plus she knows we are there and she is not fooled into thinking that she is alone.

So we have begun Operation "sleep dammit!"

Phase one - Ritual behavior: Every night we do the same things to get ready for sleepy time. We eat, then we take a bath, then we read a story, sometimes she breastfeeds to relax, and then we sit quietly until LM gives up and goes to sleep on my shoulder. So far so good on this front!

Phase two - remove multiple night feedings. Now when she wakes up (and she still does every 2-4 hours because she thinks it's fun to kill me slowly from sleep deprivation) I rock her back to sleep. I have left in 1 night time feeding around 2am that will eventually be removed....baby steps people, baby steps.

So Phase one is a success. Phase two still has yet to really work, but I am hoping that soon she will only wake up once and then not at all. But knowing LM (she's awful persistent) it could be a while.

When you have kids it is all of a sudden perfectly ok for other people to criticize everything you do because they know everything because they also had a kid......yay for you!

SO the consensus around guru's office was again that LM wasn't eating enough and if I would just give her cereal (which is heavier, which we don't give her - I just don't, deal!) she would sleep through the night. I told them that they underestimate LM's resolve, but they insisted on pretending that I was not only the first mother in the world to not give their baby cereal(because "it's really healthy for them"), but also the stupidest person ever. Trust me, you can only take so much beating with the pushy advice stick before you cave.

"Fine!" I said. I will mix some cereal into her food and we will see.

Suffice to say...uh, she still woke up 3 times that night. Proving my point that not only am I not starving my baby, but she wakes up for comfort and not necessarily food....but what do I know, I am only her mother right!

Reduce This - Week 5 (?)

I'm losing track of my weeks here, but whatever.

So this week I am trying to get rid of all the caustic chemicals in my daily life. One of the big one, one that often scares me is the drain de-clogger. That stuff seems like it could burn the skin off your face and snack on your muscles.

So in order to get rid of such things I need to find a replacement. And here you have a potential winner.....baking soda! We haven't tried it yet, but we plan on it. Look at all the things you can do with baking soda....who knew. Method and Mrs. Meyers Clean Day (and they smell nice) also offer biodegradable products to clean the house if you aren't down with the whole baking soda thing.

So the process for drain-o replacement is pouring a water/baking soda mixture down the drain followed by white vinegar. Sounds fine and much less horrible for the environment.

Plus when we are done we can make an elementary school science fair volcano.....awesome!

My baby the goat!

LM will eat pretty much anything. For a baby she is ridiculously varied in her tastes. The "experts" (like my subtle anger and disregard for people who claim to know what all babies do/need/etc.) say that you should slowly introduce foods to babies and see what foods they dislike....well LM dislikes, hmmmmm....nothing so far. She also is 7 months (almost) going on 10 and wants whatever mommy and daddy have. God forbid she miss out on the experience of coleslaw (we didn't let her have any of that...mayo and all).

Sunday we ate lunch at a diner where the food was close to inedible, but LM was happy as a clam. Pickles (whole) came with the meals and man was she interested in the strange green things that she could put in her mouth. So we let her have the pickle waiting for the hilarity that ensues when you give kids something sour/bitter/etc......and we waited, and LM scraped away at the inside of the pickle with her little fangs and....she loved it! She dropped one on the floor and immediately launched herself towards the plate for another.

Hmmm, we thought, well the girl like pickles I guess (FYI, I don't actually care for pickles so she wasn't exposed to them in the womb). Next up, a lemon wedge. I readied the camera to get the face that would follow the taste of this pucker fruit and....YES! awesome! Wait! She's eating more.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, my baby made the "what the fuck did I put in my mouth" face (yes she uses profanity in her baby thoughts) and then pushed on. I guess she wasn't going to let a lemon break her. Way to go baby (FYI- I do like to suck on lemons and she was exposed to those in the womb so go figure).

Next I am going to try coffee, beer, and tin cans.

Trained Baby

The little monster has been working on her object permanence this past week. Her self-teaching includes throwing things (toys, clothing, etc.) on the ground and seeing if they come back (uh, if mommy or daddy will pick them up). This happen most frequently in her chariot stroller. Generally the do come back (er, we pick them up), but sometimes we don't notice their plunge overboard. So far this week we have lost 2 hats (I don’t even know how she gets them off without us noticing)….and it is annoying me to no end.

An aside: I have a fetish about making her look cute. We don’t spend a lot of money on clothes (uh, because she’s a baby and I am not going to spend my hard earned cash on something that she is going to puke and shit on for 3 months and then is worthless), but people give us things and you can find nice stuff at the kids resale shops so I make an effort to have her look cute….which includes hats that look good with whatever outfit she is wearing. So I don’t like it when she loses the hats I buy her (especially when I generally have to sew them all so that they fit her head).

However, sometimes it is almost comical (not when it’s hats though) to watch what a kick she gets out of launching something over the side of her chariot stroller. The other day we went to blockbuster to get some movies to watch (because our lives are so f-ing interesting that we have nothing better to do then watch horrible marvel comics movies with Nick Cage – that’s a rant for later). We were standing at the counter paying and I hear, “Ow!” I look over and there are a little girl and boy sitting in front of the candy (I guess in awe of the selection of sugar-infused goodness that was in front of them). I notice that next to the little girl there is one of LM’s toys.

The girl looks up at me and very matter of factly says, “She threw her toy at me.”

“I’m sorry, she didn’t mean to hit you (ok maybe she did).”

“It’s ok,” she says. And hands the toy back to me.

They go back to ogling the candy and the little boy says to her, “My sister has that toy.”

Girl: “Really? Does she throw it at you? (Let it go kid!)

Boy: “No she’s a trained baby!”

Girl: “Oh.”

Boy: “I mean….she’s 10 months old, what do you think!?! She’s trained!”

Awesome! I can’t wait till LM’s training is complete!

And Supernanny is going to see it all first.....Damn!!

LM is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. She has been stuck in this pseudo-crawling rut for a couple of weeks now. I guess she got bored with that and moved on because now she is onto the standing. She never really mastered the sitting up by herself (although she is pretty good at it). Ahhh, the little one is more and more like me everyday....skip the lame stuff, let's get straight to the walking and talking people!

I keep trying to get her to crawl, but in the end she just kinda inchworms her way to whatever she is trying to get to. She can't get the arms and legs going at the same time I guess....damn appendages, always having a mind of their own!

We'll see how this all plays out. Only thing I know for sure...LM's gonna do it all for Supenanny first...double damn!

Little Zombie Monster

So LM has decided that it is a good idea to bite my face when she sees me. At first I was concerned that maybe she had turned into a zombie and after her taste of human flesh was going to eat me in my sleep, but I soon realized that she only bites me. She doesn't bite Husband or Supernanny or grandparents....what the hell is up with that. Is my flesh just the sweetest or is this a new "hungry" or "tired" signal that I am supposed to know?

In addition we have had nipple biting incidents. This (as you can guess) is very painful. I tried the loud stern "No LM, THAT HURTS MOMMY" approach only to be returned by a smile (evil baby - obviously my offspring). This is rather distressing because I wasn't planning on weaning LM for at least another 6 months or so, but I like my nipples the way they are and would not like them partially digested by an infant!

Husband suggested I bite her back - Not sure this would work and how would I explain that to Social Services when they come by for their weekly visit (just kidding).

I called my mom to ask her what she did when this happened to her (Whadya know, I did the same thing to her and would laugh about it - but I was 11 months old). She suggested something her friend did that made her baby stop biting her. When he bit her she used the loud voice and at the same time flicked his cheek....I guess the idea is to startle them so that they make a connection. Apparently he never bit her again.

So last night there I am breastfeeding LM and out come the teeth so I think to myself...."self, let's give this a try". The next time LM bit me I flicked her on the cheek....and she started to cry. Oh no! I'm sorry sweetie, I...uh...just wanted.....damn! She calmed down quickly and she went back to nursing.

So far so good. She started to bite me once after that, but I said her name in "stern voice" and she let go.

If this works I'm sending that woman a nipple cake!

Would you rather??

Reading a new Blog HoboCamp and ran across these questions she posed to her readers (and answered herself) at Burt Renyold's Mustache. So I thought I would give it a go. If anyone actually reads this blog and would like to answer in the comments be my guest. Also if you have more questions for me to answer...stick 'em up there.

Would you rather snort half a shaker of pepper OR a live bee?
I think I would have to choose the pepper. I would be nervous putting something with a stinger that close to my brain. I know there is bone in between, but I also know how thin that bone is since I have jammed tools through it (gross anatomy people...geez, nice to know you all think I am a psycho).

Would you rather eat someone's tumor right after it has been extracted by surgery OR chew and swallow someone's eyeballs?
TUMOR! No Contest. Again, I have squished eyeballs before and the texture is revolting. The middle is filled with viscous liquid that is kind of like lubricant....ek! Don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't enjoy eating the tumor, but I have a thing with eyes so I like them to stay intact.

Would you rather have to steal from a blind man OR a Girl Scout?
Oh, definitely girl scout...no contest. At least the GS could chase you and try to get her shit back. Plus if they were cookies it would be worth the guilt of stealing from a little girl (even if they are annoyingly good and aggressively sell their devil treats that make me fat. Mmmmmm...thin mints and samoas!)

Would you rather wear on a first date a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid" OR one that says "Who Cut The Cheese?"
Hobo's answer was just unbeatable

Would you rather, as a woman, breastfeed a seventy year old man OR a chimp?
Ok, this depends. Granted the 70 year old man would be much more creepy, but no one said whether this was a baby chimp or an adult one. Baby chimp, no problem. Adult chimps have um...very large teeth (including canine fangs) and are very large. As a mother whose baby is starting to bite. I might have to go with the old man simply because there is a better chance he won't have any choppers.

Would you rather wake up nude and unharmed on a park bench and have no idea of how you got there OR expecting a costume party, dress as a giant banana for a black tie affair and have to stay the whole night?
Banana suit! Why would anyone want to wake up naked on a park bench without the knowledge of how they got there....uh, creepy! Although being in NYC I probably could be naked on a park bench and no one would really notice (I've overlooked worse)...so at least there's that.

Would you rather have your breath smell like a bad fart OR have your laugh sound like a fart?
Ok, this is just a weird question. I guess I would want my laugh to wound like a fart. I wouldn't want to smell my own fart breath anymore than I would want other people sniffing it.

So there you have it. I like this game. I have a real post coming soon, don't fret.

A lesson about the immune system from Supernanny!

As you know LM has had a cold for the last few days. Monday when vacation was over and Supernanny came to watch LM I informed her that LM was getting over he cold so she could give her some Tylenol if she thought she needed it. We also talked about the fact that it was going to be 98 f-ing degrees outside that day and that they should play in the sprinklers if she and/or LM were overheating.

"But, she has a cold. She shouldn't get wet."

"Um, ok, well you can put her feet in then." - there's no use arguing with Supernanny about things that don't matter.

After this I told her that I would leave the air conditioner on low for her so that when they came back from playing outside it wouldn't be stifling in the apartment.

"Ok, but don't turn it on too high...she is sick, don't want her to get too cold"

Oh Supernanny, it's sooo cute that you think our air conditioner is capable of even cooling off the whole 1 room studio.....

"Oh don't worry, it doesn't work that well."

As a scientists I can assure you of this folks: Getting wet and/or hanging out in air conditioning will not make you sick, nor prolong sickness....I promise.
extreme or prolonged exposure to cold can lower your immune system slightly and make you more susceptible to germs, but I swear you will never get sick by going out in the rain.

If staying warm and dry kept you from getting sick, then how come Africa has so many nasty ass evil viruses? Hope my air conditioner isn't transmitting Ebola.

Reduce this - step 3

Ok so because I am sick (and so is LM) and that means that I hate my life right now this installment of Reduce This is going to be short and sweet. This week I am giving up shaving. This will save water, disposable razors, etc. I have a recyclable razor which are awesome, but you still have to throw away/replace the blade so I have decided to just let the leg hair (and arm pits) grow wild and free.... I guess if it grows there it belongs there right!?!

I will still be using the electric trimmer to tidy up the private areas since that gets uncomfortable when it is overgrown.

So that's it. I will think of something better for next time, promise!

????

Over Educated Nympho has a great site and I love reading about her antics, but she posted this recently and I found it hard to swallow. This is list of some of the most famous people in the world who all supposedly have ADD/ADHD. Now if this was a contemporary list I might not have as much problem with it, but you're going to tell me that they can prove that many of the worlds greatest minds from centuries past were stricken with a condition that until approximately 1990 almost no one was diagnosing...c'mon people. Lewis Carroll was kinda crazy, but I don't know if I buy that he had ADD.

Here's a sample of who they include (if you don't feel like looking):
Galileo
Eisenhower
Einstein
Edison
Benjamin Franklin
Hans Christian Anderson
Ansel Adams
Winston Churchill
Andre Carnegie
F Scott Fitzgerald
Hemingway
Kennedy (actually John and Bobby)
Tolstoy
Meriweather Lewis (of Lewis and Clarke)
Socrates
Stephen Hawking
Da Vinci
The Wright Brothers
and my personal favorite....Nostradamus!

it's like the took a list of the most influential people in the worlds history and just went....yup, yup, that one, him, him, oh yeah...him too. Just because people do poorly in school doesn't mean they have ADD (this is what they write below their names..."failed grammer school", "didn't speak until 4").

Now I'm not trying to get down on people with ADD/ADHD. Both my sister and father have it and I feel for them daily. They both struggle to function in normal ways that other people take for granted. However, one of the main problems with ADD is that you have trouble finishing projects. So it is a little hard to believe that Edison and Einstein and other brilliant inventors all had a disease that makes it hard for them to focus...

Maybe I'm wrong, but at least I wouldn't include people who died prior to 1950 unless there is substantial health records describing symptoms that could be used by today's clinicians to diagnose them.

Holy crap! I think I killed my baby!

After a difficult plane ride to WI and an exhausting week of car trips filled with screaming, I decided that something had to be done for the plane ride back to NY. MIL is a pediatric nurse so she suggested we give LM some benadryl to make her sleepy for the trip. That sounded fine since she had a cold anyway, maybe the meds would make her feel better as well as make her easier to deal with. MIL calculated the dosage based on LM's weight and we were good to go.

We had given her the Benadryl on Tuesday's car ride back from MN and it was a little better. She slept a lot of the car ride and there wasn't nearly as much fussing. So fast forward to Sat morning and we are waiting at the gate for our plane to board.

"Ok," Husband said,"we should give it to her now since it takes a bit to kick in."

And so we gave her the amount recommended by the medical professional and hoped that her cold wouldn't make this an even worse experience than the last time. We got on the plane and it took off. Everything was going smoothly, LM was getting sleepy, she hadn't cried during take-off and I was feeling optomistic!

Then, things took a turn for the worse. LM was asleep and she started coughing. The coughing led to gagging and soon I was covered in vomit. She had been eating during take-off to keep her ears from hurting so this wasn't that strange, but was certainly annoying given that I had to change my shirt. Luckily I had packed a little zippy sweatshirt. I left LM with Husband and walked down the aisle trying to hold my sweatshirt over my now puke covered right side when I encountered the dreaded beverage cart. Damn! I have to get through. The flight attendants were nice about it and tried to move over as much as possible to let my butt by. I finally got to the bathroom and changed my shirt. I went back to my seat (once again squeezing back between the beverage cart and other passengers' seats) and was happy to see LM sleeping peacefully on Husbands shoulder.

A few minutes later there was some more coughing, and gagging, and more vomit, which I luckily caught with a burp cloth since Husband did not have an extra shirt. LM was really out. each time she would throw up she wasn't really waking up and would pass back out right afterwards. I started to worry a little. Was she really sick? was the plane making her nauseaus? Then again! Cough, cough, and woosh...out came the larger gush of puke that has ever escaped the lips of a creature weighing 16 pounds!!! Holy crap! Husband and I both jumped back a little while Husband held a limp little monster in the air. I wiped furiously at the puke that was everywhere (even on the woman behind us - which I felt a little bad about, but at that moment, I just couldn't care).

My baby had just vomited enough to fill at least a pint glass (without even eating that much) and to top it off, we couldn't wake her up. we shook her gently, we called her name, we put ice on her lips and while she would react slightly (to the ice anyway) she would not open her eyes. I pulled up her eyelids an seeing that he eyes weren't rolling back in her head made me feel a teeny bit better, but not much. Her breathing seemed ok, but I didn't know what to do. I felt so helpless. We were on a plane, if she stopped breathing we couldn't even take her to the hospital. Oh God! I was panicking. It must be the Benadryl, what if I've killed her. I was freaking out. tears were starting to form at the corners of my eyes and I just sat there watching her, making sure that her little chest was still going up and down. That was all I could do.

She didn't vomit again and after about 1/2 and hour - 45 minutes LM slowly opened her eyes an looked at me sleepily. I was so happy I can't even explain to you the feeling of relief that washed over me. I didn't kill my baby! Thanks to a God I don't really even believe in!!!

30 minutes later we were on the ground and LM was pretty much back to normal, although a little cranky because now she was hungry after puking shards of her pelvis onto mommy, daddy, and the lady in seat 5C (sorry again!)

It was quite an adventure. One that I hope to never repeat. I don't know if I have ever been that scared in my whole life.