A whipping with the bible belt!

Ok, so first, I have recently been addicted to the Google Analytics for my page and wanted to give a shout-out to my readers from Mexico, India, Canada, Indonesia, Australia, Saudi Arabia, and our friends across the pond (UK). Thanks for reading about my ridiculous little life.

Anyway, onto the good stuff:
One thing I didn't miss about living in the Midwest (whilst living in NYC) are the occasional visits from the shepherd's flock. Now, if they were truly sent by the Lord you would think that they could pick some other time to come to my door other than when I have finally managed to get the baby down for a nap after a 45 minute battle royal.

So the other day as I sat down to check my email after finally leaving LM peacefully in her crib, I hear my parents' dogs barking. I go to the door and there is a little old man standing there. Instantly, I knew where this was heading. My parents live out in the country and there is no reason for anyone to come to their door unless they are attempting to spread the word of God.
We had a lovely conversation (that would have ended with me kicking his ass if he had woken up the baby) about all the things Jesus did (I guess he was there).

Among the very interesting things that I learned during our conversation:
Jesus cured everyone before his speech on the mount (according to medical records).

God allows all the horrible things that happen in the world because of what happened in the garden of eden (maybe it's just me, but that hardly seems fair).

There are terrible things happening all around us today, like wars (yeah, most of which are carried out in the name of religion - or some perversion of it).

We ended our little exchange with this tasty bit:

Thumper: "There are over 2,000 religions being practiced in the United States today (not sure I believe this, but ok). Which one do you suppose God approves of ?"

Me (in my head): Ummm...I'd say that depends on who you talk to, but I'm gonna guess the one that believes in Jesus).

Me (outloud): Um.................

It's good to be back!

Cause you know you wanna hear all the random shit that goes on in my life....

Here's a quick update on things here in the "belly blogs" household:

1. My belly is still larger than I would like, but I have managed to lose 2 pounds so far since the move.

2. The little monster is now attempting to stand on her own which means a lot more falling down, smacking her face and then crying

3. LM is still basically sleeping through the night....although the waking up at 6am has continued to my dismay

4. I am working on my photography and shot a wedding yesterday. The pictures turned out pretty well and I am happy with the results.

5. Today I cast a set of chess pieces in plaster which turned out very nicely.....yes, I am crafty. Just call be Martha Stewart minus the fraud...and about 30 years.

6. I unfortunately have started smoking again (don't ask why, I can't tell you) but at least I can get outside away from LM. Now I just have to start doing lots of cocaine and drinking and I can really show off my superb parenting skills.

7. Husband is leaving Friday to start the long drive to OR. LM and I will be flying over and joining him on the 1st of October.

8. *Random Tangent* Why is it that as soon as you have a baby people start asking about when you will have more? Slow down people. We are still trying to keep this one from killing herself on a daily basis, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

9. *Random tangent #2* My parents' neighbors have about 5 dogs that they have in an outdoor kennel at all times and the fuckers bark incessantly. WTF shitty neighbors. Don't have dogs if they aren't allowed to come int he house.

10. LM has learned to say "Doggie" (although it comes out more like "dogga"), unfortunately now anything with 4 legs and fur is a "dogga" whether it is canine or not.

11. I still have yet to find a job in Portland....yeah, we are being real responsible about this whole moving across the country thing.

12. We are missing Supernanny and are tyring to find her yet another new job since woman we found before we left turned out to be an insane nanny Nazi who walks around her house with the baby in high heels. Who does shit like that. Apparently she didn't really want a nanny, she wanted a maid and she rarely even lets Supernanny hold the baby let alone take care of her. So if anyone knows of some nice people who are looking for a nanny let me know.

13. On Tuesday I am taking Lm to her first mommy and me play group. I am both excited and nervous about this. On the one hand I think that LM will LOVE it. She adores other children and I think has been missing all her friends from the NYC playgrounds. On the other hand, I am not that huge a fan of people in general and the thought of socially interacting with people who I might very well dislike simply because we have spawn disturbs me. I am not your typical mother. Usually I am younger than everyone else at these things and I have a much more laid back approach to parenting (read letting baby chew on batteries....please don't send me nasty emails about this, it's a joke people!) Ahhh, the sacrifices we make for our crotch fruit.

14. *Random tangent #3* Why is health insurance so damn expensive? I mean seriously folks! Who's a girl gotta sleep with to get some coverage around here?

15. My grandmother is slowly descending into madness (well I guess it's more like falling really fast). Apparently now her big problem is that her shoes won't stay one her feet. But no one else seems to see the shoes magically leaping from her feet. Although I suppose this is better than the time she thought there were little children living in the nursing home that walked through walls (My grandmother does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. She is, however, 95 and completely off her rocker).

16. I am enjoying my time so far away from the city. At times I am already nostalgic for the lights and sounds of NYC, but then there are times like these where I sit in front of the fire pit out under the stars and can type and listen to the crickets. At times like these, I know I'm not missing a thing.

Old people crack me up.

Old man in Rite Aid: "Oh, look how cute. What a face (those of you from NYC will recognize this as elderly New Yorker-ese). Look at that smile."

Me: Smile and be polite even though I just want to buy my toilet paper and go home....thanks LM for being so damn personable.

O.M.I.R.A: "They are so cute at this age."

Me: "Yep"

O.M.I.R.A: "Then they grow up to be such bastards!" "Trust me I know, I'm a grandfather."

Me: stunned silence.

Where for art thou menstruation?

So LM was born 7.5 months ago and I breastfed full time until about 1.5 months ago whens we started adding solids to her diet. She now eats 3 solid meals a day and has 2 bottles (that I pump) and breast feeds a few times also (yeah, I know, she eats alot...girl's got her daddy's metabolism). So I would hazard to say that what I am doing would no longer ber considered full-time in the breastfeeding department. From what I know you generally have to be feeding/pumping every few hours to keep aunt flow at bay and I definitely have not been doing that so why, after 7 months am I still without my monthly reminder of why it sucks to have a vagina?
I don't get it. And I know what you are thinking....uh, you might be pregnant again. Now I understand why that vile idea passed through your head but you can forget it right now...I don't feel pregnant, I am losing weight (although slowly...5 pounds so far)...and I took a test and it was negative. so there). Anyone a doctor. I could go and see one, but since I don't really care for doctors, I am more likely to not go and just wait around wondering when I will again be shot in the twat (that may be a new one for some of you...take it. use it. love it. I know I do...see how it rhymes?)

I'm not all that worried to tell you the truth. More perplexed.

Would you rather??

Reading a new Blog HoboCamp and ran across these questions she posed to her readers (and answered herself) at Burt Renyold's Mustache. So I thought I would give it a go. If anyone actually reads this blog and would like to answer in the comments be my guest. Also if you have more questions for me to answer...stick 'em up there.

Would you rather snort half a shaker of pepper OR a live bee?
I think I would have to choose the pepper. I would be nervous putting something with a stinger that close to my brain. I know there is bone in between, but I also know how thin that bone is since I have jammed tools through it (gross anatomy people...geez, nice to know you all think I am a psycho).

Would you rather eat someone's tumor right after it has been extracted by surgery OR chew and swallow someone's eyeballs?
TUMOR! No Contest. Again, I have squished eyeballs before and the texture is revolting. The middle is filled with viscous liquid that is kind of like lubricant....ek! Don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't enjoy eating the tumor, but I have a thing with eyes so I like them to stay intact.

Would you rather have to steal from a blind man OR a Girl Scout?
Oh, definitely girl scout...no contest. At least the GS could chase you and try to get her shit back. Plus if they were cookies it would be worth the guilt of stealing from a little girl (even if they are annoyingly good and aggressively sell their devil treats that make me fat. Mmmmmm...thin mints and samoas!)

Would you rather wear on a first date a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid" OR one that says "Who Cut The Cheese?"
Hobo's answer was just unbeatable

Would you rather, as a woman, breastfeed a seventy year old man OR a chimp?
Ok, this depends. Granted the 70 year old man would be much more creepy, but no one said whether this was a baby chimp or an adult one. Baby chimp, no problem. Adult chimps have um...very large teeth (including canine fangs) and are very large. As a mother whose baby is starting to bite. I might have to go with the old man simply because there is a better chance he won't have any choppers.

Would you rather wake up nude and unharmed on a park bench and have no idea of how you got there OR expecting a costume party, dress as a giant banana for a black tie affair and have to stay the whole night?
Banana suit! Why would anyone want to wake up naked on a park bench without the knowledge of how they got there....uh, creepy! Although being in NYC I probably could be naked on a park bench and no one would really notice (I've overlooked worse)...so at least there's that.

Would you rather have your breath smell like a bad fart OR have your laugh sound like a fart?
Ok, this is just a weird question. I guess I would want my laugh to wound like a fart. I wouldn't want to smell my own fart breath anymore than I would want other people sniffing it.

So there you have it. I like this game. I have a real post coming soon, don't fret.