Farewell concrete jungle

Tomorrow we pack up and leave the city we have come to call home. It is a little strange, but I haven't had too much time to think about with all the packing, training my replacement, and trying to see friends and places we love before we blow this pop stand.
I have had enough cake in the last few days to send me into a sugar coma.....but I'm not complainin'.

LM has been a little better about her sleeping, but she is still waking up multiple times during the night. She has 4 teeth attempting to come in right now so we are battling that at the moment. I have mixed feeling regarding the teething biscuits. On the one hand she loves them and they seem to make her teeth feel better. On the other hand....they're probably the nastiest creation known to man. They get everywhere and they are cement-like in consistency....awesome.

Tomorrow night and most of Friday LM will have to live without me since my parents are flying back to the soggy midwest with her while Husband and I drive the 18 or so hours in the U-haul. We will stay there for a few weeks before starting out journey westward to Portland.

Although, I will no longer be a New Yorker, a piece of my heart will always be here and with the people who have made my time here special. I am proud to say that we made it here...and for the most part flourished. Even the hard times I wouldn't change.
I promise to keep the blog going even though it will be Sex, love, marriage, and kids, in the NEW city!

Wish us luck in our new adventure.

How many times can I sing three blind mice before I want to kick a puppy!?!

This week has been a tad crazy.

First: Husband's irresponsible, childless friend came to visit and crashed on our couch (which would be about 6 feet from out bed). He of course thought he and Husband were going to trapse around the city drinking and smoking pot while reminiscing.....while of course leaving me with the baby. Given that I am psychic, Husband and I had a "conversation", before he got here, about how this was not going to be the case. Of course that did not stop ICF - who has no concept of time or scheduling- from trying to get us to go out to eat 20 minutes before LM's bedtime or smoking weed in my bathroom. Good thing we are moving because otherwise there might have been a ban placed on all visitation from Husband's friends.

second: I had to report for jury duty this week. This meant two things. One: Supernanny would have to come earlier and stay later (which I hate asking her to do) and two: I could potentially lose 5 days at work which I really needed to finish things up before we make the big move. Luckily, they released me from duty due to our upcoming move out of state and that mini-crisis was averted.

Third: we are preparing for out family to come and help us move which means having 5 people staying in out little home and things needed to be tidied up before that could happen.

Fourth: LM has begun teething again and any progress made by the "best invention ever" has been completely reversed. This time though I have one added bonus. When she wakes up in the night she wants to nurse, but then proceeds to bite me over and over again. Therefore, I cannot let her nurse and must spend half the time walking around or rocking in the rocking chair...yay fun for me!! Wait I forgot, two bonuses. Now that LM has both upper and lower dentition she thinks it is awesome to scrape them together making this horrible clicking/screech noise. To me, this is like nails on a chalkboard x 1000 (I am getting goosebumps just thinking about it)....yuk. Every time she does it I just want to crawl out of my skin and hide under the bed with the dust bunnies.

Anyway, ICF left this morning and MIL is arriving sometime tonight. I would be stressed by the all the visitors, but now I will have someone else to get up with LM in the middle of the night. You won't hear me turning down free help....even if it is smoking pot in my bathroom ;)

a ray of light in the darkness that is sleep deprivation.

So yesterday we made the journey to the evil children's superstore that shall not be named and picked up this little gem that has restored my faith in the world....or maybe just in LM's ability to sleep. So far so good. I think that when she attempts to wake herself up every half hour the vibrator lulls back into a sense of security that tells her little baby brain "no need to waaaake upppp....you looooove the crib.....mommy will kill herself if you wake uppppp..." and so on. As on right now she has been asleep for an hour and a half and hasn't really stirred. I know that this is not something to get too excited about, but it's a good start. My goal is to get her to midnight before she wakes up the first time.

There's only one problem with "the best invention ever", it's set on a timer and turns itself off every 20-30 minutes. Ugh! don't they know I need it to run indefinitely? The creators thought they were very clever adding a sound activation feature. When the baby cries it starts vibrating again. That would be great except that by the time LM starts making noise like that...it's all over. If she's crying she's awake and my ass is back in the f-ing rocking chair.

It's not such a big deal when we are awake, I just carry the receiver around with me and make sure to push the on button every time it goes off, but what about when I want to sleep? What am I supposed to do then? Bastards. They put sleep so close within reach and then yank it away with their stupid battery saving features.

Strike 2

Gotta type fast before you know who (the evil sleepless baby tyrant) wakes up (for the 50th time), so forgive any typos. A pediatric nurse practitioner suggested that we give LM a low dose of melatonin (available at whole foods) before bed. For those of you not inclined to nerdy scientific knowledge melatonin is a naturally occurring chemical in the brain that regulates sleep cycles among other things. So the theory is that for children with sleep disorders the melatonin will help them regulate their sleeping better. I hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed, but alas, it seems that there is no change.

LM - 2
Sleep tactics - 0

Tomorrow we are going to the evil baby empire super store that must not be named to get a vibrator to put under her mattress. It's all very sex in the city when Samantha puts her "back massager" in the baby bouncy seat. Trust me if I still had a vibrator I would use that, but no, I couldn't muster up the energy to masturbate if I tried. So, tomorrow we go to unnecessary baby product land to buy something that I hope will help. You have to keep hope or I might never recover.

In other news....
*I only have 9 more days of work before we move and I am soooooo excited. Now if I can manage to stay awake through them I'll be golden.

*I had a donut for breakfast this morning. It was awesome!

*I lost a few pounds (.....and then I had that donut)

*The grandparents are coming soon so we can sleep a little. YAY!

Sleep Damnit....please!!!

So Operation Sleep Damnit has been almost a complete failure. We did succeed in getting LM to not nurse to sleep and it is now relatively easy to get her down at nigh. Plus Husband and I can now take turns which is AWESOME for me.
Unfortunately, after some early success, LM has decided that she will wake herself up every 45minutes - 2 hours and cry unless we pat/rock her back to sleep. I'm tellin' you this is almost more annoying then where we were at before. I can't figure out why she wakes up so fucking much....it is starting to make mommy CRAZY. I don't think I have any choice but to try the "cry it out" method once we have moved and have at least one door in our house that doesn't lead to the bathroom. I hate to do it, but I don't know what else to do. Nothing is working and I haven't slept even a half night in almost 8 months....now I know how sleep deprivation torture works. I would do just about anything right now for that baby to let me sleep.....Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!!

Beside my own sanity I know that it is not good for LM to be disturbing her sleep that much and given that she is the queen of nap refusal the girl needs all the sleep she can get. Let me give you an example just do you don't think I am exaggerating.
Yesterday super nanny informed that LM had only napped for a total of 40minutes all day. She still wouldn't nap when I got home from work and so passed out very tired around 7pm. Now you would think, exhausted, non-napping baby, no problem she is probably out for a while.....yeah, well, you'd be wrong. My unconscious baby was conscious again in about 45 minutes. After some patting back to sleep I had about another hour of peace before the next waking. This continued until about midnight. At 12 I put her down and went to bed myself. this time she actually slept until 2am and then I couldn't take it anymore and I brought her into the bed with me where she proceeded to toss and turn all night making mommy a tired, cranky, insane person!

Why sleep gods? Why are you punishing me? It's all those days I wasted sleeping until 2pm isn't it?

The evil eye

MIL's husband is from Mexico. He is a really great guy and is totally getting into this being LM's grandpa thing even though he married MIL when Husband was in his 30's. Husband does not speak to his father so MIL's husband is the closest thing LM's got to a paternal grandfather....and trust me, he is a much better candidate for that role than Husband's father. anyway, he and LM quite enjoy each other's company so hopefully either she will learn Spanish or he will learn English better by the time she is old enough to talk.

Sorry, back to the point of the story. When we went to visit SIL, MIL, BIL, and GMIL (that would be grandma in law) in July LM was not having a good week. She got sick and was teething and was altogether not always a happy-camper. So one afternoon when she was having a particularly crabby period (complete with uncontrollable whining and mommy-clinging) MIL's husband walked by muttering something about "the evil eye" and how the baby must have it. The what? I asked.

"the mal ojo," he said..."Bad vibes" MIL explained.

ok. Apparently, in Mexico it is widely thought that a cranky baby is often suffering from the evil eye. The evil eye are bad vibes transmitted to the baby from the adults around it. Parents who are angry, unhappy people, jealous admirers, etc (after a little research I found that Turkish women often keep their babies under wraps for 40 days after their birth to keep them safe from jealous eyes). He continued to explain hat in Mexico they do a little ritual with an egg and some alcohol to cure it.

"Ok," I said. "It will make her stop this whining?....Do it!" Hey I'm an open-minded kinda person and who am I to say that a folk ritual done with an egg can't make my sick/teething/cranky baby feel better.

MIL's husband agreed that he would do it and sent us off to fetch an egg, some rubbing alcohol and a glass. We did as we were told. Once he had all the ingredients, he rubbed some alcohol on the egg (still not sure what that part is for) and then rubbed the egg over LM's forehead, chest, arms, and legs making crosses and circles. Then he acted as if he was brushing something off her body and.....that was it, done. We waited to see if this magic would work. MIL's husband cracked the egg in the glass and proclaimed that the evil eye LM was suffering from wasn't that severe. I asked why and he said that in extreme cases when the egg is cracked into the glass it will be a funny color, sometimes black.

Now I don't know if I believe in magic and the like, but I swear 5 minutes later LM was happy as a clam. I don't know who put the evil eye on my baby....but I have my suspicions.

Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday!!

I've had a few pretty shitty days this week. Here's a little review because I know you are all soooo interested in why my week has sucked just a little bit of dick!

Tuesday -
3am: Baby is awake and is kicking me in her attempts to practice crawling in her sleep. I get up and decide to put her back in crib. Am worried that she will soon (or can now) jump to her death from crib. Drag crib over by bed so if she does jump out it will be on the bed. Put baby back to sleep.

5am: LM is awake again and is (as I thought) trying to escape the crib to get into bed with me. Take baby out. Put baby on tit and thank the gods when she goes back to sleep without practicing her karate.

8:30am: Get a call from Supernanny which I immediately assume is her calling to say she can't come in (and start to panic a little), but then find out she is just calling to see if she left her wallet in LM's diaper bag. Locate wallet and hang up. Get baby ready for Supernanny.

9:30: At work, computer is being very slow and mouse button is sticking. Decide to restart computer. Restart computer and realize that computer is now completely useless. Gee, thanks for not f@ckin' me big time computer. Not only will it no longer recognize any program, it also won't let me save or copy any of my filed.

10:00am: Take computer to IT department. Dumb ass 19 year old tells me that "it, uh, might be a virus." Yah think? "So, like we are probably going to have to reformat it, yeah." GREAT. So remember how I can't save or copy anything...that means I can't back-up anything. Luckily I have all the REALLY important stuff on portable hard drive. If I lost all of my dissertation work I might seriously consider jumping off the roof.

1:30pm: Bring computer back at scheduled time to have it fixed. Dumb ass 19yr old #2 tells me I need all the start-up disks. Uh, coulda told me that before shit face. "Oh, yeah I forgot to mention that," adds dumb ass #1.

1:40pm: Run up 2 flights of stairs and rummage through desk/files for start-up disks. Can't find disks. Look through department disk binder for start-up disks. Can't find compatible disk....fantasize about smashing computer into teeny tiny bits.

2:00pm: Abandon search for back-up disks since I am already going to be late for dental appointment. Rush to dental appointment.

2:35pm: Arrive to dentist only a few minutes late. Have cavity filled (this in itself could ruin a day). Find out that stupid onlay I need done for broken tooth (apparently pregnancy softens the teeth...who knew) will not be done before the big move. This means I will either have to fly back to NYC sometime in September to have it done or pay to have it done at another dentist.

5:00pm: talk to out of state dentist. Find out it will probably be $1300 to fix tooth. Great! Now I have to come back to NYC less than a month before I move and find someone to watch LM while I am at the dentist.

Wednesday -

LM is teething and it feels like she is up every 20 minutes.
6:30am: LM and I wake up due to storm. Husband leaves for work.

8:00am: Get a call from Supernanny. She is stuck in Brooklyn due to flooded trains. She will try and make it in sometime this morning.

10:00am: Supernanny is still stuck. I tell her not to worry about it. Call work, tell them I won't be in today. Spend the day with LM (This was actually a good part of the week.).

Thursday -

9:00am: Search again for back-up disks so computer can be reformatted by the league of morons. Find nothing new.

10:00am: Take computer down. Get new dumb ass who is equally as brilliant. "Uh, maybe that will work. We'll have to see, I'm just not sure." If I said shit like that in my job all the time I would be fired. "Hi, this is my specialty....but I'm not confident that i have a good grasp on any of it....."

10:10am: Leave computer and go borrow department computer to attempt to do some work.

1:00pm: must stay for department meeting.

2:00pm: Department meeting starts.

2:05pm: Department meeting ends. I swear! Coulda probably sent that in an email don't you think.

4:00pm: Retrieve computer which has been partially fixed. But still needs drivers and utilities disk. Can download that from internet, but without the internet card driver I can't connect to the internet...who thought up that genius scheme?

4:30pm come home to whiny, teething baby (my favorite). Find out that Husband is going to be stuck at work till around 6 for some office event. Great! Whiny teething baby all to myself.

6:oopm: All attempts at getting LM to take her late afternoon nap have failed. Get ready to wait her out until bed time.

6:30pm: Husband is home and while he is supposed to be watching her she falls off the bed. Wailing ensues. Husband cannot console her. Mommy to the rescue after displaying obvious annoyance at Husband's baby-watching skills.

6:40pm: LM Passes out. So this means she is going to wake up at 8 all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed or she is out for the night. Out for the night would be good, but then you run the risk of her waking up at 5am.

LM wakes up continually. Feels like I have to get her back to sleep every half-hour. I am hating tonight. Why can't the girl just sleep? Grown-ups love sleep...how can we impart this knowledge onto the babies?

Friday -
7:00am: LM is up early.

8:00am: LM is whiny. I put some oral gel on her gums. Eats an entire jar of baby food (probably because she fell asleep without eating dinner last night).

8:30am: I love a cranky, tired baby.

8:45am: LM is back to sleep. Sometimes babies can be real assholes (not hate mail on that one please....I can call my baby an asshole if I want).

Ah, a week in the life. At least it is Friday! Happy Friday!

Old people crack me up.

Old man in Rite Aid: "Oh, look how cute. What a face (those of you from NYC will recognize this as elderly New Yorker-ese). Look at that smile."

Me: Smile and be polite even though I just want to buy my toilet paper and go home....thanks LM for being so damn personable.

O.M.I.R.A: "They are so cute at this age."

Me: "Yep"

O.M.I.R.A: "Then they grow up to be such bastards!" "Trust me I know, I'm a grandfather."

Me: stunned silence.

Where for art thou menstruation?

So LM was born 7.5 months ago and I breastfed full time until about 1.5 months ago whens we started adding solids to her diet. She now eats 3 solid meals a day and has 2 bottles (that I pump) and breast feeds a few times also (yeah, I know, she eats alot...girl's got her daddy's metabolism). So I would hazard to say that what I am doing would no longer ber considered full-time in the breastfeeding department. From what I know you generally have to be feeding/pumping every few hours to keep aunt flow at bay and I definitely have not been doing that so why, after 7 months am I still without my monthly reminder of why it sucks to have a vagina?
I don't get it. And I know what you are thinking....uh, you might be pregnant again. Now I understand why that vile idea passed through your head but you can forget it right now...I don't feel pregnant, I am losing weight (although slowly...5 pounds so far)...and I took a test and it was negative. so there). Anyone a doctor. I could go and see one, but since I don't really care for doctors, I am more likely to not go and just wait around wondering when I will again be shot in the twat (that may be a new one for some of you...take it. use it. love it. I know I do...see how it rhymes?)

I'm not all that worried to tell you the truth. More perplexed.

Reduce This!: the little things

So I haven't done one of these in a while because I am very busy with getting ready to move while still trying to keep my disgustingly mobile 7month old from killing herself....ok, and I forgot.

So this time I thought I would talk about some of the little things that we do here in studio apartment-ville to try and be environmentally conscious. Some of these things I have talked about before and some I haven't.

1. We use flushable diapers
2. We buy baby food in glass jars instead of plastic (this also has the added benefit of keeping those nasty plastic chemicals out of LM's food)
3. We buy most of LM's clothes used
4. We sell our used baby stuff (cribs, swings, etc.) on Craig's list instead of throwing it in the garbage.
5. We use biodegradeable/enviro safe dish soap, shower cleaner, baby wash, toothpaste, shampoo/conditioner, and laundry detergent.
6. We take short cool showers
7. We do not get magazines or catlogues (if we can help it) delivered to the house. We try to look at that stuff online.
8. We do not wash our clothes unless they are actually dirty.
9. We are using used Fresh Direct boxes to move instead of purchasing new ones
10. I no longer use razors. Husband mostly uses electric razor (no disposable) and the razor I used before is recyclable.
11. Uh, I can't think of any more. When we get to Portland there will also be composting and vermicomposting of food scraps and compostable diapers.

Learned something disturbing this weekend. Most common brand-name "tear-free" baby shampoos are tear free because they put anasthetic in the shampoo that numbs the eye, not because their ingredients are gentle enough to go in the eye without burning...ugh! Also, Aveeno is made by Johnson & Johnson which is proctor & gamble and they test on little bunnies. We use Burt's Bees now.

Also found out Kashi is made by Kellog's....f#%&ing corporations. I don't think Kellog's tests on bunnies, but it is possible that the cereal has bunnies in it.....

Scarred for life: the rubber ducky chronicles.

Last night Husband was giving LM her bath and all was well as she played with her rubber ducky. Eventually the rubber ducky (which she had been chewing on) floated close enough to Huband's head that he pretended try and grab it with his mouth which amused LM to no end. Wanting to entertain LM further Husband sucked the ducky's head into his mouth and pretended to eat it. Never before have I heard a baby scream out of sheer terror. Frustration - yes, pain - yes, but true horror....no.

LM let out the most ear piercing, blood-curdling scream I have ever heard and then proceeded to cry uncontrollably. Snatched her out of the bath trying to console her while laughing. Husband looking confused proceeded to almost piss himself laughing and LM just kept going back and forth between hugging my neck and looking back to see the carnage that was her deceased rubber ducky.

Later after she was dried off and we had stopped peeing our pants, we were trying to figure out the psychology behind LM's reaction. The only way to figure this out, we decided, was to recreate the scenario outside of the bath. So, because we are awesome parents, Husband set off to the bathroom for the ducky so that we could attempt to traumatize our infant yet again.

And what do you know.....it worked. We felt a little bad about it later, but not bad enough to wish we had gotten it on tape. Would be just horrible people if we did it again in order to record it? Probably. Will that stop us? Probably not.

Jog on!

Sorry folks, I will not be posting anything clever or interesting tonight. I have had a long 3 days of teaching and I am curling up in bed with Husband and my cookies and cream milkshake with chocolate syrup and oreo sprinkles from Baskin Robin's.
So as not to disappoint, here's a list of topics in posts to come:

Hot student
The evil eye
Moving hell
Movie reviews

Stay tuned...and try not to be too jealous of my milk shake.

Holy Brain Development Batman!!!

Over the last 4 days or so Little Monster decided to become the smartest baby in the world....just kidding, but she did suddenly start doing about 20 new things.

1. She sits up on her own
2. She has that crawling thing down
3. She gives high-fives
4. She waves hello and goodbye
5. She said "hi kitty" to Naughty Little Kitty (I did not make this up even if Husband doesn't
believe me)
6. While she was dealing with that crawling thing she decided to go ahead and start pulling herself into a standing position and standing with support.
7. Also, we got her a walker and she totally cruises in that sucker. I'm telling you, we may have created a big monster.

The best part about LM's new found mobility is that it makes my job oh so much more fun.

"Oh look how cute she is walking in the walker"
"Oh look she can reach the desk now..."
"Oh look she is tugging on the cord to the monitor that could fall over and crush her-
skull....isn't that sweet?!"

"She's walking to me......she's so cute....she's...STICKING HER FINGERS IN THE FAN!"

This parenting thing just got much more troublesome. That baby has a death wish.

I keep trying to remember what we fed her last week to prompt this amazing turn of events.....gotta remember not to give her anymore of that!