Creepy must run in the family...

I have always known that I am what I call a "sensitive". Now, I am not Psychic, I do not see the future, but I am ridiculously observant and good at reading people and situations. Husband is not so good at this and therefore lucky that he is married to me or he would be beating the crazies off with a stick. Here are some examples:

1. I will generally know within 10 minutes of talking to someone whether or not we can be friends/if they are nut-jobs. That's not to say that some people don't grow on you and others can't make you think they are relatively normal for a short time when they are actually totally insane, but for the most part I am very accurate at this. and just so you know.

2. After meeting someone once or twice I can usually tell what you are likely to do in a given scenario.

3. I can very easily read relationship dynamics and tell whether people are going to last or go down in a fiery crash/break-up.

4. If it's a bad idea....I can tell you it's a bad idea.

I know what you are thinking. C'mon. Give me a break. But seriously it is true. I don't have ESP I am just really good at taking variable and analyzing them and coming up with the most likely scenario or reading body language, voice cues, and general demeanor to determine compatibility and overall personality. It's just that I do it without having to think about it. Friends and family have also noticed this and I am regularly requested to meet new boyfriends, or what I think about something or other. For example: I always know my sister's new boyfriend is going to be a loser when she will bring him over to dinner at my parents house, but when I ask to meet him she says, "Uh...no!"

Anyway, this post isn't really about me, except to say that I now have even more proof of my super-human powers ;).
There have been two instances in the last month that have both totally freaked me out and shown me that I am not alone in my creepy ability. My family is creepy too.

Evidence #1: My mother is way creepier than I am.
A few weeks ago she was visiting us in Portland. We left LM with Husband and went out for some lunch. We were mostly through with our food when my mom suddenly stopped.

"That was weird"

"What"

"I just got a feeling like LM was bleeding or hurt or something."

"Great Mom, thanks for making the rest of my lunch super relaxing."

Laughs. "Sorry, I'm sure it was just me being silly"

"Well I hope so."

We finished our lunch and drove the 5 minutes or so home where Husband and LM were waiting for us on the porch both smiling.

"See, she's fine."

We reach the stairs.

Husband: "Well, we had a little scare there while you were gone."

I give my mom one of those looks like, you are totally creeping me out and if he says that LM hurt herself and was bleeding I will run inside and lock the door and you can sleep in the Jeep with your Ouija board.

"What happened?"

"Well she was eating some blueberries and she started choking. I had to put her over my shoulder and really whack her back to get her to stop."

"Holy shit! Are you serious"

"Why? Why are you giving me that look? Were you expecting something bad to happen because she was with me? Hey just because I am not the mommy doesn't mean the baby is automatically in danger!"

"Well, that's debatable, but no that's not why I am looking at you like you just told me the baby flew off the roof. How long ago was this?"

"I don't know, 10 minutes or so."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!! See, my mom is way creepier than I am.
Later she recounts to us that this has happened to her before. Once she had a dream about a friend she hadn't talked to in about a year. He was floating outside of his body and my mom had until midnight to get him back in or he would be stuck like that forever. She thought nothing of it, but when she talked to him months later she asked,

"What were you doing last Thanksgiving?"

"I was in Arizona"

"Yeah, but what were you doing?"

"Oh, I was in the desert doing paeodi."

"Keep out of my subconscious, dammit!"

Evidence #2: LM sees dead people...I think!
So when LM a little baby she used to just stare off into space or at the wall/ceiling sometimes. I always figured that's just what babies do, but I wondered what exactly she could be looking at on the blank white wall or ceiling. My mom insisted that she was staring into the astral plane.
Yeah, ok, whatever creepy lady.

But last week something happened and no I am concerned that I have passed on the creepy gene via my offspring.
LM was sitting on my lap in the rocking chair drinking a bottle and staring at the ceiling (yeah, I know we are back to staring at the ceiling). All of a sudden she gets this little happy smirk on her face and waves....at the ceiling.

Holy balls. My baby sees dead people. And they live on her bedroom ceiling....or they are incredibly tall.

Cause you know you wanna hear all the random shit that goes on in my life....

Here's a quick update on things here in the "belly blogs" household:

1. My belly is still larger than I would like, but I have managed to lose 2 pounds so far since the move.

2. The little monster is now attempting to stand on her own which means a lot more falling down, smacking her face and then crying

3. LM is still basically sleeping through the night....although the waking up at 6am has continued to my dismay

4. I am working on my photography and shot a wedding yesterday. The pictures turned out pretty well and I am happy with the results.

5. Today I cast a set of chess pieces in plaster which turned out very nicely.....yes, I am crafty. Just call be Martha Stewart minus the fraud...and about 30 years.

6. I unfortunately have started smoking again (don't ask why, I can't tell you) but at least I can get outside away from LM. Now I just have to start doing lots of cocaine and drinking and I can really show off my superb parenting skills.

7. Husband is leaving Friday to start the long drive to OR. LM and I will be flying over and joining him on the 1st of October.

8. *Random Tangent* Why is it that as soon as you have a baby people start asking about when you will have more? Slow down people. We are still trying to keep this one from killing herself on a daily basis, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

9. *Random tangent #2* My parents' neighbors have about 5 dogs that they have in an outdoor kennel at all times and the fuckers bark incessantly. WTF shitty neighbors. Don't have dogs if they aren't allowed to come int he house.

10. LM has learned to say "Doggie" (although it comes out more like "dogga"), unfortunately now anything with 4 legs and fur is a "dogga" whether it is canine or not.

11. I still have yet to find a job in Portland....yeah, we are being real responsible about this whole moving across the country thing.

12. We are missing Supernanny and are tyring to find her yet another new job since woman we found before we left turned out to be an insane nanny Nazi who walks around her house with the baby in high heels. Who does shit like that. Apparently she didn't really want a nanny, she wanted a maid and she rarely even lets Supernanny hold the baby let alone take care of her. So if anyone knows of some nice people who are looking for a nanny let me know.

13. On Tuesday I am taking Lm to her first mommy and me play group. I am both excited and nervous about this. On the one hand I think that LM will LOVE it. She adores other children and I think has been missing all her friends from the NYC playgrounds. On the other hand, I am not that huge a fan of people in general and the thought of socially interacting with people who I might very well dislike simply because we have spawn disturbs me. I am not your typical mother. Usually I am younger than everyone else at these things and I have a much more laid back approach to parenting (read letting baby chew on batteries....please don't send me nasty emails about this, it's a joke people!) Ahhh, the sacrifices we make for our crotch fruit.

14. *Random tangent #3* Why is health insurance so damn expensive? I mean seriously folks! Who's a girl gotta sleep with to get some coverage around here?

15. My grandmother is slowly descending into madness (well I guess it's more like falling really fast). Apparently now her big problem is that her shoes won't stay one her feet. But no one else seems to see the shoes magically leaping from her feet. Although I suppose this is better than the time she thought there were little children living in the nursing home that walked through walls (My grandmother does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. She is, however, 95 and completely off her rocker).

16. I am enjoying my time so far away from the city. At times I am already nostalgic for the lights and sounds of NYC, but then there are times like these where I sit in front of the fire pit out under the stars and can type and listen to the crickets. At times like these, I know I'm not missing a thing.

The evil eye

MIL's husband is from Mexico. He is a really great guy and is totally getting into this being LM's grandpa thing even though he married MIL when Husband was in his 30's. Husband does not speak to his father so MIL's husband is the closest thing LM's got to a paternal grandfather....and trust me, he is a much better candidate for that role than Husband's father. anyway, he and LM quite enjoy each other's company so hopefully either she will learn Spanish or he will learn English better by the time she is old enough to talk.

Sorry, back to the point of the story. When we went to visit SIL, MIL, BIL, and GMIL (that would be grandma in law) in July LM was not having a good week. She got sick and was teething and was altogether not always a happy-camper. So one afternoon when she was having a particularly crabby period (complete with uncontrollable whining and mommy-clinging) MIL's husband walked by muttering something about "the evil eye" and how the baby must have it. The what? I asked.

"the mal ojo," he said..."Bad vibes" MIL explained.

ok. Apparently, in Mexico it is widely thought that a cranky baby is often suffering from the evil eye. The evil eye are bad vibes transmitted to the baby from the adults around it. Parents who are angry, unhappy people, jealous admirers, etc (after a little research I found that Turkish women often keep their babies under wraps for 40 days after their birth to keep them safe from jealous eyes). He continued to explain hat in Mexico they do a little ritual with an egg and some alcohol to cure it.

"Ok," I said. "It will make her stop this whining?....Do it!" Hey I'm an open-minded kinda person and who am I to say that a folk ritual done with an egg can't make my sick/teething/cranky baby feel better.

MIL's husband agreed that he would do it and sent us off to fetch an egg, some rubbing alcohol and a glass. We did as we were told. Once he had all the ingredients, he rubbed some alcohol on the egg (still not sure what that part is for) and then rubbed the egg over LM's forehead, chest, arms, and legs making crosses and circles. Then he acted as if he was brushing something off her body and.....that was it, done. We waited to see if this magic would work. MIL's husband cracked the egg in the glass and proclaimed that the evil eye LM was suffering from wasn't that severe. I asked why and he said that in extreme cases when the egg is cracked into the glass it will be a funny color, sometimes black.

Now I don't know if I believe in magic and the like, but I swear 5 minutes later LM was happy as a clam. I don't know who put the evil eye on my baby....but I have my suspicions.

Scarred for life: the rubber ducky chronicles.

Last night Husband was giving LM her bath and all was well as she played with her rubber ducky. Eventually the rubber ducky (which she had been chewing on) floated close enough to Huband's head that he pretended try and grab it with his mouth which amused LM to no end. Wanting to entertain LM further Husband sucked the ducky's head into his mouth and pretended to eat it. Never before have I heard a baby scream out of sheer terror. Frustration - yes, pain - yes, but true horror....no.

LM let out the most ear piercing, blood-curdling scream I have ever heard and then proceeded to cry uncontrollably. Snatched her out of the bath trying to console her while laughing. Husband looking confused proceeded to almost piss himself laughing and LM just kept going back and forth between hugging my neck and looking back to see the carnage that was her deceased rubber ducky.

Later after she was dried off and we had stopped peeing our pants, we were trying to figure out the psychology behind LM's reaction. The only way to figure this out, we decided, was to recreate the scenario outside of the bath. So, because we are awesome parents, Husband set off to the bathroom for the ducky so that we could attempt to traumatize our infant yet again.

And what do you know.....it worked. We felt a little bad about it later, but not bad enough to wish we had gotten it on tape. Would be just horrible people if we did it again in order to record it? Probably. Will that stop us? Probably not.

Dear Little Monster....

Dear Little Monster,

There are a few things that I wanted to discuss with you, but since you don't necessarily understand what I'm saying I thought I would write it down and make you read it when you are older to see how you have tormented me.

1. Please refrain from trying to crawl while nursing. This is quite uncomfortable for me and nipple aren't supposed to stretch that far. Also, diaper changing is a bad time to practice this.

2. Question. Do you have to make those weird grunts every time I feed you solids? Just wondering.

3. Please for the love of God could you sleep for more than 2 hours at a time (actually at this point I would take for more than an hour). You probably don't know this, but mommy is slowing going completely insane due to lack of sleep and frustration over not knowing what to do to convince you that sleep is....awesome. Seriously, I am really starting to lose it!

4. I know you want to play with Naughty Little Kitty, but I am sick of finding clumps of his hair in your fists....plus I think he's on to you. The fear of you has started to win against his pathetic need to be near me and he has started running away from you.

5. I know that you are really excited to walk, but maybe we should work on making this crawling thing happen first....what do you think?

6. When I am trying to get you to sleep why can I not sit down. I mean really, I don't see the difference. Either way you are draped over my shoulder and I am moving so do we have to stay in the position that is giving mommy scoliosis?

7. Why is your poo a different color ever day? And while we are on the topic, could you not stick your fingers in it when I am trying to change your diaper...thanks.

8. Could you let daddy know that when you are crying in the middle of the night and I say "it's your turn" and hit him, that doesn't mean "Please pick the baby up and put her in bed with me".

9. Just for good measure, please see #3 again.

Holy crap! I think I killed my baby!

After a difficult plane ride to WI and an exhausting week of car trips filled with screaming, I decided that something had to be done for the plane ride back to NY. MIL is a pediatric nurse so she suggested we give LM some benadryl to make her sleepy for the trip. That sounded fine since she had a cold anyway, maybe the meds would make her feel better as well as make her easier to deal with. MIL calculated the dosage based on LM's weight and we were good to go.

We had given her the Benadryl on Tuesday's car ride back from MN and it was a little better. She slept a lot of the car ride and there wasn't nearly as much fussing. So fast forward to Sat morning and we are waiting at the gate for our plane to board.

"Ok," Husband said,"we should give it to her now since it takes a bit to kick in."

And so we gave her the amount recommended by the medical professional and hoped that her cold wouldn't make this an even worse experience than the last time. We got on the plane and it took off. Everything was going smoothly, LM was getting sleepy, she hadn't cried during take-off and I was feeling optomistic!

Then, things took a turn for the worse. LM was asleep and she started coughing. The coughing led to gagging and soon I was covered in vomit. She had been eating during take-off to keep her ears from hurting so this wasn't that strange, but was certainly annoying given that I had to change my shirt. Luckily I had packed a little zippy sweatshirt. I left LM with Husband and walked down the aisle trying to hold my sweatshirt over my now puke covered right side when I encountered the dreaded beverage cart. Damn! I have to get through. The flight attendants were nice about it and tried to move over as much as possible to let my butt by. I finally got to the bathroom and changed my shirt. I went back to my seat (once again squeezing back between the beverage cart and other passengers' seats) and was happy to see LM sleeping peacefully on Husbands shoulder.

A few minutes later there was some more coughing, and gagging, and more vomit, which I luckily caught with a burp cloth since Husband did not have an extra shirt. LM was really out. each time she would throw up she wasn't really waking up and would pass back out right afterwards. I started to worry a little. Was she really sick? was the plane making her nauseaus? Then again! Cough, cough, and woosh...out came the larger gush of puke that has ever escaped the lips of a creature weighing 16 pounds!!! Holy crap! Husband and I both jumped back a little while Husband held a limp little monster in the air. I wiped furiously at the puke that was everywhere (even on the woman behind us - which I felt a little bad about, but at that moment, I just couldn't care).

My baby had just vomited enough to fill at least a pint glass (without even eating that much) and to top it off, we couldn't wake her up. we shook her gently, we called her name, we put ice on her lips and while she would react slightly (to the ice anyway) she would not open her eyes. I pulled up her eyelids an seeing that he eyes weren't rolling back in her head made me feel a teeny bit better, but not much. Her breathing seemed ok, but I didn't know what to do. I felt so helpless. We were on a plane, if she stopped breathing we couldn't even take her to the hospital. Oh God! I was panicking. It must be the Benadryl, what if I've killed her. I was freaking out. tears were starting to form at the corners of my eyes and I just sat there watching her, making sure that her little chest was still going up and down. That was all I could do.

She didn't vomit again and after about 1/2 and hour - 45 minutes LM slowly opened her eyes an looked at me sleepily. I was so happy I can't even explain to you the feeling of relief that washed over me. I didn't kill my baby! Thanks to a God I don't really even believe in!!!

30 minutes later we were on the ground and LM was pretty much back to normal, although a little cranky because now she was hungry after puking shards of her pelvis onto mommy, daddy, and the lady in seat 5C (sorry again!)

It was quite an adventure. One that I hope to never repeat. I don't know if I have ever been that scared in my whole life.

Happy Birthday Husband!

So yesterday was husband's birthday. He is officially 34 and I think he is starting to himself creeping towards 40....poor husband. I try to tell him that he is still one hot daddy, but there's only so much I can do being younger....I can't fully understand.

So we made steak fajitas for dinner and played with the little monster on the playground and husband collected on his birthday sex. Yes, birthday sex. We are not much for gift giving in our little family (mostly because we have always been strapped for $$) so we give things that are free....but can mean just as much. Like trying to get LM to bed as early as possible so mommy and daddy can do naughty naked things.

So happy birthday sweetie! You are the best husband and father any woman could ask for!