"Children might beat the subway, but the subway beats women..."

This is a great article from babble... And so true! I tell you I think I was only offered a seat twice and it wasn't until I was as big as a house. And if I remember correctly, it was an older woman and an asian man....

But my favorite is that I have ridden the subway with my daughter in a sling and people will make me stand up holding her....ugh!

http://www.babble.com/content/articles/features/personalessays/Harris/Subway/index.aspx

And just to comment on the "being afraid that they really aren't pregnant" thing is generally bull. If I am slender everywhere else, but it looks like I shoved a beach ball into my shirt....it's a pretty safe bet that I'm expecting.

Holy crap! Is that my vagina?

Looking through pictures I stumbled upon the shots of the little monster's birth. GOOD GOD! I thought, is that my vagina. I'm rather partial to my girl parts and seeing them being so mistreated made me throw up in my mouth a little. Now, realize, I am not at all squeamish, but the sight of horribly painful things happening to your body can be disconcerting. Yes, we have all seen the quasi-national geographic video of women from the 70's giving birth, but that is not me....that's them.
Some babies are born with funny shaped heads. I argue that this is the result of the vagina's refusal to distort itself to such extremes. This is even more amazing to me since the little monster was born with an "abnormally perfect" head, which means my poor vagina made no refusals...what a trooper!

Also, I was amazed at how smushy the little monster's head really was....

Found Email to Mother from first trimester of Pregnancy!
Ramblings of a Crazy Woman:

"So I have decided that being pregnant is very similar to becoming a werewolf or vampire (you know like in movies)...I hear things that no one else notices and they drive me crazy.....I smell things that other people don't mind and they make me want to wretch

Plus sometimes I feel like I want to kill people, or at least bite them (and my hair is growing faster (and my nails too). Maybe all the vampire and werewolf myths are really just crazed pregnant women set off by excessively loud chewing and the smell of Chinese food….

Love you, let's hope I can make it through the day and steer clear of any silver bullets."

Ahhh, those were the days.

Sage Advice from some jack-ass:

"wear your husbands clothes instead of buying maternity clothes - at first" Um, this idea assumes that your husband is fatter than you are while pregnant. i don't know about you, but I couldn't wear most of my husbands clothes before I got pregnant. How am I supposed to squeeze my ever-growing ass into them now. In addition, my husband happens to be 6" taller than I am and lacking hips or breast...this can pose a problem.

Now, don't get me wrong, I hate maternity clothes, I think they are evil, evil things that cost way too much money and never fit properly - see earlier post on my loathing of la ropa del diablo (LRDD) - but wearing your husbands clothes seems like horrible advice, for me anyway. First of all if I could get my ass into his jeans that would be one thing, but I can't so that's that. Secondly, if your husband is larger than you, wearing his clothing, especially in the first trimester, will make you look like a ridiculous hobo who can't pick clothes that fit...not too flattering.

Anyway, enough ranting about LRDD, my goal now is to fit back into my pre-baby clothing...harder than you might think. I believe that I am fatter now than I was when pregnant...ok, not really, but I feel that way. Damn breast feeding, always creating new fat deposits.

The moment of truth (or true ad utter disbelief…)

“Honey, how many lines are there on this thing?” I yelled from the bathroom as I squinted at the home pregnancy test trying to decide if I was imagining that second line or if in fact it was really there. Minutes before, I had convinced myself to leave the bathroom sure that I was hallucinating the pale semblance of a pink, but sure enough, there it was. “Um…Two,” my husband said looking terrified and excited (don’t be fooled terror and excitement often look the same).

“That’s what I thought.”

But maybe we were both hallucinating, that’s possible right? Maybe we were drugged at dinner and are imagining little pink lines everywhere….or maybe I’m actually pregnant, (although honestly either explanation seemed plausible at the time). Three positive pregnancy tests later and even I was convinced.

Here are the thoughts that go through your head when you find out that are pregnant (or at least this is what went through mine…in no particular order):

Holy crap that was fast

I’m going to be a mommy

OMG some poor child has to have me for their mommy

I’m going to be the size of a house

Wow! There’s a little person growing inside of me (well at this stage it’s actually like a little alien amoeba, but that doesn’t seem quite as romantic)

Maybe this thing is wrong… Ugh, I feel a little nauseas….maybe it’s not wrong.

Way to go super sperm (this I actually said as I gave my husband’s crotch a thumbs up)

Why in God’s name did we move into a studio apartment?

Ouch, my boobs hurt.

Damn, no more caffeine for me (see description of the 2nd circle of hell for more on caffeine withdrawal).

Oh S#%t! I have to quit smoking


Now I know that most of you (well those of you that have not had to deal with powerful additions like caffeine and nicotine) are thinking, ‘pregnancy is supposed to be a joyous occasion where you feel connected to your body and the earth for you’re about to bring life into the world.’ Yeah, ok, great, but I still had to quit smoking.

You’re also probably thinking, ‘why didn’t you quit smoking before if you knew you were trying to get pregnant.’ Yeah, well, I didn’t think that far ahead, ok. Plus, this was a bit of a surprise. I knew that since I had stopped taking the pill I could get pregnant, but I though it would take months to actually get it to work…guess I was wrong. Bang! First shot out of the gate and I’m knocked up already.

For those of you who know (and those of you who don’t), quitting smoking feel like your bet friend died. There is a sense of loss that can’t be explained in any other way. I felt like a piece of me was missing somehow and I couldn’t fill the void (although I tried with M&M’s) that was growing inside me. Gradually it got easier, but still to this day, I envy those who can puff away uninhibited and free.

But, I am glad I quit...it gives you cancer you know.

Cracked a filling yesterday, went to the emergency dental clinic to try and have it repaired before the holiday. I tried not to mention angrily that the dental clinic in the same practice had put in this filling less than a year ago and that a bagel truly had been its undoing.

Anyway, as the dentist reviewed my chart she asked me about any medications and I told her and then she paused and said...."uh, birth control?" I didn't answer right away because I wasn't rally sure if she was serious or not. "Um....no, I am pregnant...very pregnant,"

"Oh, oh, I didn't even notice!"

Ok, really? I am almost 39 weeks pregnant meaning I am almost as big as I'm gonna get. Did this woman really not notice the enormous beach ball protruding from my mid-section? I guess I should be flattered, but somehow it's not confidence inspiring when a medical professional is so completely unobservant that a 9 month pregnancy doesn't jump out at 'cha.