And Fancy Drinks with Umbrellas!

Well folks, the Little Monster and her entourage (aka us) are off to the Midwest for a family vacation. Hopefully I will be able to post while I am there, but my parents moved their middle-aged asses out to the country and we are stuck with dial-up....ugh!

anyway, we are very excited to just relax and pawn the baby off on the grandparent, great grandparents, aunts, and uncles as much as possible.

If only there were cabana boys....ahhhh cabana boys!

Conversation with my mother......alternative post title: The Grandma Wars!

Mom: "I am so glad that ____(SIL) is having a baby in November!"

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Mom: "Yeah, then ____(MIL aka FL Grandma) can have her own baby!"

Oh mom....so evil. So obviously related to me!

Drooling on the bar!

Tonight one of husband's office friends had a birthday party so we packed up LM and headed to the bar! Yes, we are those people who take their baby to the bar. It's not like we take her to the bar to just hang out or anything. She has been to a total of 3 bars in the 6 months that has been her life and they were all for some kind of event. Generally she is a big hit with the drunken co-eds/yuppies here in NYC and she loves the attention and hams it up! Near the end of the evening I accidentally knocked over someones beer (maybe I shouldn't have had that 10th shot of jagermeister!!). He seemed totally freaked out when I offered him one of our many burp cloths to wipe off his shoes with....dude, we wipe up puke with this. A little beer isn't gonna make much of a difference.

So I asked myself, how can I be even more offensive to those with fragile sensibilities that to have my baby in the bar? I know, I will breast feed my baby in the bar....without a blanket! OMG! No she didn't....oh yes I did! HA! Take that!

Sometime I wait for someone to say something snotty to me....like tell me I should do that in the bathroom (Do you feed your kids in the bathroom?) just so I can rip their heart out of their chest and feed it to my baby....a little too angry? Maybe.

But, no one said anything so LM had to do with just breast milk....maybe she can have heart tomorrow.

At least my boobs are famous!

Well kids it is official, the blog has been mentioned about on Babble which I think is super f-ing great since I love that site and read it all the time. Here is the link....and of course to my parent's dismay...regarding the letter to my right breast!


So to continue with the theme and to let people know that I love more than just my breasts (which I actually have no real fondness for - not when they are gargantuan), here is a list of some other things I like...and a few I don't.

Things I like:
peanut butter m&m's
movies (almost all kinds)
TV on DVD
pineapple
photography
nutella (hmmmm, this seems to be a food list doesn't it)
jumping into cold water
thunderstorms
bones
decorating
baking!
seeing girls wearing heels in a WI winter fall down (he! evil!)
back rubs
science

Things I don't like:
stupid people
pimples
excessive sunshine/heat
a bad internet connection
stupid people (oh wait, I already said that...well that's how much I dislike them)
Rude people
math
spending too much time with SIL
strangers putting their fingers in my baby's mouth!

Reduce This!
Step 3:

Water use reduction. So, the no toilet paper thing is going pretty well except that sometime I forget and accidentally grab toilet paper just out of habit...doh!! But slowly I am retraining my brain.

So now it is water reduction. This step will not include laundry (I am saving that for another week). Next week I don't know if there will be a new step since we will be on vacation and I will be busy visiting with family and frolicking around the Midwest, but I will try. So here's what this part of our water use reduction will entail: Short cool showers (5 min or less). Washing dishes in a tub (ie. not letting the water run while washing) and using water that is warm, but not hot. I have to buy a little tub for this and I am not sure where I am going to get one....hmmmm...I will figure it out.
At some future time we will deal with the laundry and the collecting of bath water for other things.

Glory be to the sleep gods!!

Miracle of miracles, the little monster slept all the way through the night last night...I would like to say that it was a great night of sleep for me, but instead I was waking up every couple hours confused and startled because she wasn't in the bed. But it was nice to wake up and be able to roll over and go back to sleep in any position I wanted without rolling on the baby.

Lets hope this continues.

According to the guru (if you don't know to what I am referring check out this post. and this one.) LM is too old not to be sleeping through the night....uh, she's 6 months old guru! "Yeah, I was very strict with my kids. I would put them in their beds and walk away!"

That would be nice, but I don't have anywhere to walk away to...I live in a 550 sq. foot studio. (In my head) And I don't parent that way. and I'm not taking parenting advice from someone who fed infants jello!

"Well you just aren't feeding her enough."

She eats all the time. We feed her whenever she is hungry.

"Well she needs more food. Not just milk"

SHE'S 6 MONTHS OLD!!!! Babies can live on breast milk alone for a year. If only the cave women had had jello...everything would have been much better.

Happy Birthday Husband!

So yesterday was husband's birthday. He is officially 34 and I think he is starting to himself creeping towards 40....poor husband. I try to tell him that he is still one hot daddy, but there's only so much I can do being younger....I can't fully understand.

So we made steak fajitas for dinner and played with the little monster on the playground and husband collected on his birthday sex. Yes, birthday sex. We are not much for gift giving in our little family (mostly because we have always been strapped for $$) so we give things that are free....but can mean just as much. Like trying to get LM to bed as early as possible so mommy and daddy can do naughty naked things.

So happy birthday sweetie! You are the best husband and father any woman could ask for!

The Nanny Wars:

So, now we all know that I have the superest (yes I know that's not a word) babysitter in the world. She is just f-ing super! So generally I don't bother her about what she and the baby do all day (I just pretend they play on a bed of pillows!). What I didn't know is that nannies in NYC (maybe everywhere) are at war. They show off their charges, fight for each other's jobs, and are terrified of being snitched on. Now I'm not talking "that woman kicked your baby in the face" kinda snitching - that is necessary. I'm talking "she didn't put bratty ugly-face in the swing this afternoon! Isn't she a terrible person." Here's how I found out this little nugget of info.

evidence 1 - FL Grandma takes LM to the park one day when she is visiting. All the other nannies who know supernanny and LM come over to inquire as to where SN is and when she will be back, etc. Here's what she witnesses as the day goes on. The other sitters comment repeatedly on how cute LM is and how she is a good baby. They also tell FL grandma about SN and how she and LM play (all good things thank god!). Then later in the day, one of the nannies comes over and asks if she can be LM's nanny. FL Grandma says sorry, no, we already have one and the woman is very sad....I asked Grandma if the woman was watching a child and grandma says yes! So this woman was ready to abandon child #1 and come and take care of the little monster...wow my kid must be awesome....or the other kid's parents blow!
As the day goes on she notices that most of these children are really bratty...the nannies follow them around all day making sure they get whatever they want (even if they are being terrors). Grandma inquired about this behavior to one of the nannies she had befriended and the woman said that they are all afraid that someone will tell their employers bad things about them if they are stern with the children or tell them no. Well that was it for grandma...she couldn't believe it! I told her. You don't understand these people...they give their children everything. I can totally see them firing someone who made their kid made because she told him her wasn't allowed to jam that pencil into that other kid's ear (ok, I exaggerate, but it is bad)!

evidence 2 - This morning, I put LM in a new dress that we had bought this weekend on sale. It is pretty damn adorable and when SN came in this AM she was just beside herself..."oh, you look so pretty, we must go outside immediately and show off your new dress to the other nannies!!" Uh, ok. didn't know it was a competition, but whatever. "She is the best baby in the building"...Ok, cool! So off they go to show off her new dress and give all the other nannies in the building complexes because the kids they watch are not as cute and must have boogers in their noses!

evidence 3 - also this morning, SN informs me that after she give LM her bath in the afternoon, she doesn't like to put her back on the swings because she smells so nice and she doesn't want to get her all dirty again.....Whatever, I'm just happy that I don't have to give her a bath everyday. "So if somebody says, oh she doesn't let her go on the swings in the afternoon...that is why" Ok....

So there you have it....it's an all out war people. I will report on more of this odd behavior as I see it.

The Anti-Princess Reading Guide!

Here is a list I found on the site Mommy Track'd. It is a list of books about smart, independent, little girls for our little girls (and boys) to read...."if you want your kids to grow up believing that girls should dream of more than just kissing the prince, check out these books."

I love it. LM is still a little young to read anything that isn't good to chew on, but soon I will collecting some of these books myself!

Fuck-off Super Nanny....

So I love my babysitter. She is great. My daughter loves her and I think she loves LM too. This is all at once a great thing and a horrible horrible thing....I am convinced that LM likes supernanny more than she likes me. This morning LM was whiny whiny whiny...until, dah dah dah...supernanny arrives and then it is all smiles and jumpin up and down and shit. Hey, I have the milk producing things, love me!! love me!!!
Now I know that I am the one who makes her go to sleep and drops her on her head (Just kidding, that only happened once!) and refuses to let her pull my hair until my scalp bleeds, but I can be fun just like supernanny....I swear!

Oh well, I guess I should just be happy that my baby likes the woman she spends 40hrs/week with....even if it does make me feel like nothing but her feedbag :(

Breeding and Baby's first, uh....jello?

Discussions turn - as they always do - to if/when we are going to have another kid. Personally I would like to wait until the one I haev is done breastfeeding before I pop out another crotch fruit, but that is just me. So the other day I was having this conversation with "nutrition guru" from this post and it went something like this:

Me: I just can't imagine taking care of an infant while trying to deal with a two year old! Babies need so much of your attention.

Guru: Well, you just don't hold the second one as much....or play with it or anything....

Me: (In my head) Great, so I can have a second kid so I can ignore it! (Out loud) Right!

That Guru, she is just a wealth of knowledge. Most recently she suggested that LM's first food should be jello because it is easy for the to eat and melts in their mouth. Awesome! I was just thinking that my so far completely natural babies first food should be pure sugar and gelatin....

My Midnight Showers...

Having an infant can make even the most routine things difficult. For example: eating.
But one of the things I miss the most is taking long hot showers. Taking a shower can be one of the hardest things to fit into a day filled with work, playing with baby, cooking, cleaning, feeding baby, putting baby to sleep, and just trying to relax with husband so I don't jump off the roof. By the end of the day it is 11:30 and I realize I haven't showered in 2 days...yummy!

All I have wanted to do for weeks is dye my pre-maturely graying hair. But somehow I'm never able to fit it into my day (and trust me when you are going gray at 26 you wanna make time).

So starting this week I decided that after the baby and husband are both asleep (husband gets up at 5:30am so is usually in bed by 11:00pm) I am going to have me time. I take a shower read a chapter in whatever book is one hand and catch up on reading my blogs. Granted I may end up getting a little less sleep, but it is worth it to have a little time to myself (that isn't the little sleep I get). I feel better already....gotta love a lukewarm shower (No hot showers for me anymore....trying to save the planet and all).

Reduce This!!!!

Hello all. Inspired by people like No Impact Man and the 90% reduction project, I have decided to take on a reduction project of my own. You can check out the 90% reduction guidlines to see the basic structure I will be following. I don't know if I will be able to do as much as they do, but I will do my best and that is better than nothing.

Step 1: Gas consumption - Check! We got this one covered. Living in NYC we don't own a car and we walk most places that we go. When we can't walk we take the train.

Step 2 (for me): Use less/no toilet paper.This tends to be one of the last steps for most people, but I am going to put it at the top because it seems easier to me than say, eating nothing but local food. I will still use toilet paper for #2 (sorry if this is too much info, but....too bad), but for pee I will be using a little squirt bottle (like the ones they give you after you have a baby) to wash after using the bathroom and then have a designated towel for drying that will be washed every couple of days. Given that husband only uses toilet paper for #2 as it is, we should cut our consumption by quite a bit....might save us some $$ too which is always good.

Next week I will post my next step....

Whatever you do, don't read this unless you like being utterly depressed and having daydreams of living hungry in the forest waiting for the hoards to come and steal all of your food...yikes. Oh great, now you went and read it didn't you....I told you it was a bad idea.

LM's chompers...

LM got her very first tooth last week and we were pretty excited. Then over the weekend yet another tooth popped through...amazing!

Unfortunately the teeth could be used to cut diamonds and spend way too much time perilously close to my nipples....fortunately, they are both on the bottom and her tongue protects me from the ivory daggers.

She has been so good about her teething. Just a little whining and that's all. I love my baby!

Hmmmmm...previously eaten peas and bananas!

LM threw up on me this morning...and then she laughed! Looks like her father has been training her...damn him!

"Children might beat the subway, but the subway beats women..."

This is a great article from babble... And so true! I tell you I think I was only offered a seat twice and it wasn't until I was as big as a house. And if I remember correctly, it was an older woman and an asian man....

But my favorite is that I have ridden the subway with my daughter in a sling and people will make me stand up holding her....ugh!

http://www.babble.com/content/articles/features/personalessays/Harris/Subway/index.aspx

And just to comment on the "being afraid that they really aren't pregnant" thing is generally bull. If I am slender everywhere else, but it looks like I shoved a beach ball into my shirt....it's a pretty safe bet that I'm expecting.

SAHM fantasy dashed against the rocks of a rainy day.

The other day the babysitter had to take the day off since her son was being confirmed. Not being religious myself, I find this odd, but of course I wasn't going to deny her the pleasures of Christianity. As the day got closer I started getting excited....I was going to get to spend a weekday with LM and play in the park. Hang out with all the nannies and SAHM's and show off how cute my little puke face is.

I woke up that morning to the complete destruction of my fantasy....it was raining. And it continued raining...all day long :(
How am I supposed to compare my child to everyone else's if we are all stuck inside....double damn!

So instead of hours of fun playing on the swings and going down the slide, I got to spend all day in my studio apartment trying to figure out how long I could play peek-a-boo (before I wanted to throw myself out the window) and how many times in one day she could play in her jumperoo without brain damage.

Did I mention LM is the queen of nap refusal....*sigh*

A Letter to my right breast.....

Right Breast I know that you are really great at producing milk, but you have to be sensitive to Left Breast's feelings.....LB already has a complex because you are bigger. When you produce
4.5 oz to LB's sad 2 oz, it's hard on her self esteem. Especially after the clogged milk duct incident, LB has been struggling to keep up. Keep that in mind is all I'm trying to say....with no hope of ever measuring up, I am afraid that LB might just give up all together.

Keep up the good work!

Little Monster and her New Game.....

I'm not sure yet what implications this has for later on in LM's life, but her new favorite game (beside let's see how may times we can wake mommy up in the middle of the night) is a twisted version of peek-a-boo. Realize that she will start playing this game on her own and continue until someone notices. First LM will pull something over her face (this could be a burp cloth, a blanket, etc.). she will the leave it there and flail around as though she is suffocating or being eaten by said burp cloth. then when you have said, "LM, where is LM?" enough times to make it funny, she will pull said cloth off her face and smile at you as you proclaim, "there she is!". Gotta love her sick and twisted sense of humor. Look mom, you thought I was suffocating, isn't that funny!?!

At least I know she is my daughter.

Did you seriously just stick your dirty, Lee press-on nail finger in my babies mouth? You are so getting a smaller tip for that one....

I think this is self explanatory....don't stick your dirty fingers in my babies mouth...I don't even know you. You must be insane...oh wait, now you are grabbing her out of FL grandmother's arms...you must have a death wish. I don't know karate, but I will kick your ass!

Later.....In store where grandmother is buying make-up:
Counter girl: "oh, she is so cute...I want her!"

um...no! please step away from my baby. Now that you have made your intentions of kidnapping my baby clear you are not allowed to touch her.

What is wrong with people?

Just one more reason why men should not be running the planet....and why clearly everyone should carry around a semi-automatic weapon!!!

This little slice of ridiculousness was brought to my attention by the writer of death Wears a Feathered Mullet who is one funny motherf@#*er..... But seriously folks, aren't there more important things to worry about then who gets to go first at a 4-way stop....I always knew those things were trouble.

http://wave3.com/Global/story.asp?S=6605053&nav=0RZG

I don't even know what to say......

http://www.gawker.com/news/rubbing-against-the-bottom-of-the-barrel/today-show-softcore-milf-stripper-pole-porn-264217.php


Honestly, I'm speechless!

Conversation I had today:

me: "Little Monster had her first real food yesterday. we gave her sweet potatoes and she really liked it."

woman at work: "why didn't you give her cereal? It has vitamins in it and babies like it (not a question...an accusation)."

me: "real food has vitamins too and LM really liked her sweet potatoes."

w.a.w: "Why didn't you give her cereal? Everybody starts with cereal."

Me (in my head): of course I should always do what the general public does....that's never backfired. Next week we're giving her avocados, so there. (out loud): "Anyway...wanna see a picture?"

Gotta love unsolicited advice/opinions.

Naughty little kitty's attempted murder....

Last night as I lay snuggling with my co-sleeping little monster my peaceful slumber was disrupted by LM kicking me in the stomach. "Good God", I thought in my stuper "why the hell is she kicking me".....and that's when I realized it wasn't LM that I was snuggling into the nape of my neck, but naughty little kitty who was laying on LM's face. Her violence was merely an attempt to thwart naughty little kitty's plan to kill her. Good job LM....don't let that jealous little thing take you out like that!

I must say it was a little disconcerting to think that my old baby was trying to suffocate my new one.....siblicide...damn that's cold!

Holy crap! Is that my vagina?

Looking through pictures I stumbled upon the shots of the little monster's birth. GOOD GOD! I thought, is that my vagina. I'm rather partial to my girl parts and seeing them being so mistreated made me throw up in my mouth a little. Now, realize, I am not at all squeamish, but the sight of horribly painful things happening to your body can be disconcerting. Yes, we have all seen the quasi-national geographic video of women from the 70's giving birth, but that is not me....that's them.
Some babies are born with funny shaped heads. I argue that this is the result of the vagina's refusal to distort itself to such extremes. This is even more amazing to me since the little monster was born with an "abnormally perfect" head, which means my poor vagina made no refusals...what a trooper!

Also, I was amazed at how smushy the little monster's head really was....